Mockingjay
by Primahs
Summary: It's about fill in the blanks from the last pages of Mockingjay and after the epilogue. It's my first, so all critiques and reviews are welcomed. I don't own THG or any of it's characters, they all belong to the wonderful imagination of Suzanne Collins.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Right after I'm done with burning all the things that cradles that hideous smell, I feel liberated, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I didn't kill him; he had died on his own or crushed by the crowd I never really knew, but this, by doing this I was killing what lingered of him in my life.

After a few days I venture outside, not so sure of my ability to face Peeta again just yet, but I think to myself that stalling the moment won't do any good either, I was never good making friends before being the mockingjay, and now, I certainly had no clue of how to start a conversation with him, it had taken a game meant to end our lives for us to talk in the first place and everyone knew words were his things, he needed no bow or arrows to kill, a single phrase had been enough, back on thirteen it was all that took to make me see what I had become or may be what I had been all along, and I had hated myself and him for pointing it out. I find myself with the patch of primroses, they are being carefully watched by Buttercup, he knows Peeta planted those for her, and he, just like me has come to pay tribute to her.

Talking to my mother had been exhausting, we were both broken, trying to mend. I had let all the tears I thought I had in me flow along with all the feelings trapped inside. I thought of how I wanted to punish the Capitol for her dead; I wanted one last chance for the Hunger Games, so at least for once Capitol and it's inhabitants could feel the fear, the dread of seeing their children and loved ones die in cruel ways. could they enjoy it still? When the children, ripping each other's heads, were their own? I had voted yes, I wanted them to suffer what I had gone through, but for that to be, Coin would have to remain, and the only thing I could think when I shoot that arrow, was my sweet little Prim out in flames. The girl on fire had burned everything on her way, friend and foe. And Prim, just like Rue, had paid the highest price for being near me, the end of her barely lived life.

Back in the house, Greasy Sae has left, but there is some food on the table and I feel my stomach rumble, the knot I felt a while ago is replaced by the grumbling growing louder. Not registering what I eat, but taking spoonful servings each time, I finish my meal and doze off on the couch, securing an old blanket around my shoulders that smells like cinnamon and dill.

When I wake up in the morning, the fresh loaf of bread sits on the table, Greasy Sae is making breakfast while Peeta sets down the dishes; this becomes a routine, he makes bread every day and Sae makes him stay for breakfast. I fall back on the routine as well, one that is old and familiar; I get up early, pack some food and take off for the woods, after my first forays fail, I find myself regaining my strength, until it all clicks back together my old boots, my father's hunting jacket, the bow and the sheath of arrows securely over my shoulder. The morning air feels incredible when I take deep breaths, being out here makes the numb pain I've been feeling seem a little less rooted in me. I walk past the remains of District 12 and see him there helping, keeping himself busy, following Dr. Aurelius orders too. I stop for a moment, wondering if he still has some flashes from the trackerjacker venom, I was always unable to tell when he was having a nightmare, but I had seen and known his attacks first hand, one had been aimed to end my life. I force myself to focus on moving to the meadow, there is no point in dueling here over what was it, after all, it haunts me every night whether I want or not.

Slowly the routine turns in to something I can handle, giving some sense to my days. I bring game and clean it, before Sae divides it between Haimytch, Peeta, me and herself, I eat breakfast in silence with Peeta and Sae, and stumble over the meadow in the afternoon, but the nightmares are just as constant as any routine. I wake up tangled in my covers, drenched in sweat, my throat rough from screaming, light peering over the windows.

One morning after having breakfast, I decide to go out to the patch of Primroses, I frown looking at the weeds growing among the beautiful flowers, and before I know it, I'm pulling out the weeds enjoying the feel of the warm summer wind, getting dirt under my nails. Time flies by and the morning soon becomes too hot to stay out. I clean my hands as best as I can and get up, happy with my work. I glance over to the other victors' houses, and walk up to Haimytch's front door, as always, is open. I let myself in, and the pungent odor of filth greets me

"Good to know some things never change" I murmur to his figure laying passed out on the couch, or so I think

"Look what the cat dragged in!" he seats looking over for a bottle of white liquor. "What can I do for you sweetheart? Are you playing the good neighbor now?" he's tone is not scorn full, just harsh.

Surprised I stumble a bit before getting some actual phrase out of my mouth "Have you talked to him?"

"He's still mad at me for all the right reasons, but comes more often than you" he points over to the clean space over his table, a loaf of bread sits over a plate. I nod, not knowing what else to do, the questions I had plan to ask, the things I wanted to say where now jammed in my head. We sat in silence for a bit. Before I get up to leave I offer him a spot in my table for breakfast "It would make things easier for Sae" I add, not wanting the invitation to sound condescending.

So many jammed thoughts are plaguing my mind, I seat on the ground, facing the primroses and holding my knees as close as possible to me, after a while there I hear his loud steps on the ground before I see his feet by my side. "I can take them away if you don't like having them here" His voice is neutral. I feel a knot forming in my stomach, but I force myself to talk "No. They are lovely. Thanks for thinking of it" I take a deep breath "She would have loved them" I try to hold back the sobs threatening to overcome my body by taking another gulp of air. We just sit there, silently, with a small distance between us that somehow feels like an abyss, each abandoning ourselves to some forgotten memory of the past.

My muscles feel stiff when I try to get up, the sun light almost faded by now, he sees me struggling and offers me a hand, I take it not think much till he is holding it, even with the patches of new skin, his hands are soft, with a firm grip, warm, they are the hands of baker, the boy with the bread, my Peeta. I shake the thought away. I have no right to hope or give room to these feelings, and I let go of his hand as soon as I have retrieved balance. He gives me an inquiring look but asks no questions, he simply turns around saying, "I'll see you tomorrow" and his gone.

The nightmare is the same again, I'm lying on the bottom of a grave, and ashes are being thrown at me, they fill my mouth, my nostrils, I can't scream for them to stop without getting my mouth full of them, I try to block the pouring ashes with my arms, to no good avail, the pile keeps rising, I want to scream, get up and run but it's impossible, I can't move an inch, and then I hear it, to the distance, growing louder and louder, they are calling for my blood, calling my name accusingly.


	2. Chapter 2

"Katniss! Katniss!" I open my eyes, trying again to stop the rain of ashes and my hands hit his broad chest, it takes me a few seconds before my surroundings register, autumn morning light is peering through the windows and the smell of rotten flesh and ashes is replaced by that of fresh bread. My face is sweaty and I can feel his hands removing tangles of hair out of the way.

"Katniss It's ok! It's ok, it was just a nightmare" his hands move soothingly over my back, his embrace feels reassuring, giving me a chance to straighten up my thoughts and do something stupid, the question is out before I can stop myself "what are you doing here?"

I don't intent to be harsh, I'm just surprised, but as everything else, it comes out the wrong way and I feel him loosening his grip, starting to pull away, and out on their own accord, my arms wrap around him tightly not wanting to break the frail connection, he stays, chin resting over my head. "I was leaving you and Sae some fresh bread for breakfast and I heard you, you were trying to scream, so I woke you as fast as I could".

I manage to answer a muffled "Thanks" since my face is still buried in his chest, the constant thud of his heart settles me down more than his words. After a few more minutes, I'm the one letting go, feeling a little embarrassed at the actual display of need for him I just performed.

I try to get up to cover my embarrassment, but it's too fast, too soon, I go back down dizzy. Just great, I think to myself, as if it wasn't enough he had to help me with the nightmares again, I was now dizzy and leaning back to avoid the sickening feeling.

"Stay put" I hear him say as he gets up "I'll get you some food here. Don't try to get up so fast again". I hear him talking to Sae; she must have come in through the kitchen, the exchange is short, but long enough for her to give him a couple of instructions and leave trough the same door.

The delicious smell of cheese buns makes my mouth water in anticipation; he brings over some milk with a touch of honey and a pinch of spice too, just like the jug the Capitol attendant made for us on the train, before all the madness started.

There is so much I want to tell him, I want to apologize for leaving him at the arena, for not pushing the rebels to go for him the moment I knew he was alive, for running on him when he needed me, for being the reason he had no family left.

I wanted to tell him the truth about my plan back then, how I had wanted all along for him to lead that dammed revolution, his words could so easily turn things around, he would have better served the intentions of the rebels. It should have been me back in the Capitol after the force field blew up, it should have been me screaming on a cell till all life had ran out of me or the trackerjacker venom had corroded my will to live. Instead, he had taken the fall and had suffered more than anyone could bear, and here he was, keeping a silent sigil over me.

He had never, on his own free will, failed me or left me. I, on the other hand, had hurt him in ways unfathomable. Haymitch's words sounded loud and clear in my head

_You could live a hundred life times and not deserve him_.

My tears start running hot down my cheeks before I can do anything to stop them, I can't help the fit of sobs, the guilt that's choking me. He is there, back at my side and it makes me feel worse, but I can't let go of him, I burry myself in his chest again and let the river of tears flow once more, damping his sweater on the process.

I must have fallen asleep again because I'm in bed, the smell of cinnamon and dill strong in the room, it's tainting the air around me, making me feel comfortable, I must be dreaming and about to face a horrible nightmare, but as soon as I want to move to run I feel the covers being held by some weight and I notice something that wasn't there before, a hand resting over my arm, shielding me from some invisible harm. I realize then, the clothes attached to that body lying next to me are exuding that glorious smell, I turn around, trying not to disturb the now clear breathing of the body that can only belong to Peeta.

It must be midmorning by the way the sun is flaring inside the room. I can't bring myself to wake him, he looks so peaceful, his eyelashes tangled as far as I can tell, hiding two perfect pools of blue, here, with him like this I feel no pain, no longing of death, no emptiness, just a peaceful state of mind. I raise my fingers to trace the edges of his face when it happens, the room swirls around me, I'm at the Cornucopia and the mutts from the first games are tugging at me, trying to drag me to the grave below, I see the dark mouth open waiting for me to fall, a rain of ash is pouring over, and I slide, pulled by the teeth of a mutt with bright green eyes, I scream my lungs out as I fall.

I wake up startled, breathing fast; sweat covering me again from head to toes. I am on the floor, next to my bed curled over the covers. I drag myself up back to bed. I might have no trackerjacker venom running through my brain, but the nightmares are just as bad and I can feel the bruise forming over my left cheek.

The knock on the door pulls me out of my slumber, Sae comes over and I hear her call to someone down stairs "She's here" her attention shifts back to me "Are you ok? The boy said he brought you here early, but you sure make no noise. We thought you had gone to the meadow again"

I don't move or answer anymore; I just stay in the same position breathing, trying to hold my thoughts back together. Time and time again I'm robbed of my happiness even the frugal kind provided to everyone else by dreams.

"I'll bring you some stew". I hear more voices coming up the stairs. "She ok, just sleeping on her bed" the voices fade as Sae goes to them. I don't want to see anyone, I just want to be left alone, the knock comes a few minutes after and I don't move while she comes in to leave the tray.

The trays come and go for a few days may be even a full week; in the meantime, I struggle to regain some of my new routine. Skipping breakfast again, not ready yet to meet up with anyone or face the outside either I go around the house, lingering over the studio, looking at a box containing my personal belongings brought from District 13, I don't see Prim's or my mother's, just mine. Probably my mother took with her all that was left to District 4.

I see my family's plant book, Gale had saved it from the booming. Gale. In truth I didn't hate him, how could I? He had been with me all the way trying to reach Snow, and he had no way of knowing what would happen then, when the second set of silver parachutes exploded. He had no way of knowing and yet, somehow, loosing Prim was connected to him. It was a bond nothing in the world could break, rising a wall between us. He had chosen a different path and didn't look back, he was as far as I was concerned, well and moving on. He had said it, even if there was a remote doubt I wouldn't be able to forgive him, what had happened had destroyed my reason for fighting. Not having Gale hurt, but I felt relieved

I go on, day by day, sorting the contents of the box, until I find my mockingjay locket, the one Peeta gave me on the beach trying to convince me to live and come home taking his life in the process, it shines against the lights of the studio as I open it up, looking at my mother and Prim, smiling truly happy. That's all I have to remind me of her, of her sweet smile, the one person I was sure I loved and loved me back was gone, and her face was beginning to fade in the sands of time. A sudden fear rises from my gut, what if I let her go completely? What if I forget her? The way she scratched Buttercup behind his ear; her sweet face when I called her ducky. Was I really forgetting her? I had to find a way to hold on to her, to them all.

The thought hits me like a train, fast, strong when I see the book laying there, just like my father added a chapter of edible plants, I could add one for my loved ones; better yet I could make a book for them. No. I had to make a book for them, their names, faces, their lives couldn't be forgotten, they would live on trough pages and pages detailing them, letting others know what I knew.

I make up my mind, deciding they would be more than just recurrent characters in my nightmares; they were the reason all of it had to happen and I would repay them by doing this, letting others know them, so they would endure. I couldn't bring them back, but I could make sure they were never gone.

The phone rings, pulling me out of my train of thoughts and I hear Dr. Aurelius talking on the other side of the line, when he asks me "how have you been?" I blurt out the idea, the making of the book, I hear him scribbling over frenetically. "I'm glad to hear you making progress Katniss. I'll see what I can do to help you get started". He talks some more to me, before a hasty good bye.

The locket is still clutched in my hand after I hang up the phone; Peeta had always been the best of us, willing to take terrible burdens on his shoulders, for what? I was certainly not worth all the terrible things he had suffered and yet, time and time again he had gone to the extremes to ensure one thing and one thing only, that I lived and what was I doing? Dragging like a corpse, wallowing in self-pity, how disappointed he had to be, to see that all his efforts had been to save this, the reflection starring back at me in the mirror is pathetic at best. Dirty, with dark circles under my eyes, my hair unkempt pulled in a messy braid, so pale with my cheekbones and collarbone sticking out more than ever, on a moment of impulse I put the locket back in the box and run out, closing the door behind me.

The short run up the stairs makes me feel weak, but I straighten up myself and take a long shower, I braid my hair and go to the kitchen, realizing how hungry I feel, I eat something Sae left at the table along a couple cheese buns Peeta must have dropped early, the rabbit in the stew tastes like glory and buns melt as I eat them, I'm savoring my food for the first time in ages.

I keep going like this for a few more days, still not showing to have breakfast with everyone but eating what Sae makes. I'm seating on the porch, soaking as much sun as I can when I make up my mind. I knock on the door decidedly, but as I wait and I hear the steps approaching I feel anxious, like my stomach is refusing to keep the food down. The door opens; another blond figure with blue eyes greets me. Delly Cartwright.

The smile planted to her face on a permanent way after all this time, after all that has happened feels alien. She looks bright with her hair in curls and a simple faded green dress, she realizes is me, and before I can do anything, move, talk or even blink her arms tighten around me on a warm embrace, and as quick as it comes, it goes.

"It's so good to have you home." There is no judgment in her words, no accusing tone; genuine gratitude is the only thing she has to give. "I hope I'll see you around town soon, autumn does wonders with the meadow!" She passes me and before getting off the last step, she calls over her shoulder, "He is in the studio".

Her steps finally fade as I walk in. I can feel the warm air of his house full of that gorgeous smell of cinnamon and dill, the same that was so vivid in my dreams. I move slowly to the studio, a replica in size of the one in my house, but not in contents, canvas after canvas filled with color plague the walls, the floor, not much open space is left. He is painting something with his back to the door, he seemed troubled but was so intensely transmitting his thought on to the canvas, he hadn't noticed me there.

I don't own THG :( Mrs. Suzanne Collins does! On the other hand, One review upon publishing was simply Awesome :) if your out there, reading, please review! All help, critics and suggestions are welcome! Thanks!


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for keeping up with me! :) I don't own THG, they belong fully and unquestionably to Mrs. Collins. **

**Chapter 3 **

The painting seems to be alive; the colors are so vibrant I can almost taste the hot air of summer over the district square. Saying nothing; I stand there captivated by the images coloring under the strokes of his brush coming to life. He is in a place a thousand miles away from here. Happy and oblivious to all the pain and burdens that had befallen us in such a short time; I knock softly on the door, not looking up to meet me, he invites me in.

"Just give me a minute, I'm almost done here". Ten may be fifteen minutes later he is done and shifts on his chair looking at me, surprise plain in his eyes.

"Oh! I thought you were Delly, she was here just a bit ago." He pauses for a moment "I'm glad is you" the warm quick smile he gives me makes the uneasy feeling flee out.

"She said I could come in" quizzical blue eyes return my gaze before adding in a soft voice "She came to thank me for her little brother's birthday cake" he goes around picking up his things and when he is done motions for me to exit with him down the stairs.

We have turned 18. The realization interrupts the original propose of my visit. We had been so engulfed in recovering the pieces while others lived that the event had come and gone without any kind of milestone. Not that it meant much to me now, but among those things I should preserve was Prims face on the birth day she got Lady.

My decisions falters at yet another thought, I would have to share everything with him, my most treasured memories, moments of my life I had so carefully protected from the preying eyes of the Capitol. If I go forward with my plan, I'll have to bear my soul to Peeta. Haimytch would have loved this, back in the arena he had begged me to do this, the sponsors would have showered us with gifts then, but this was no arena, this was much worse, failing here meant oblivion for those who had scarified everything.

I don't want to keep thinking over and over the consequences of asking for his help, and as soon as we reach the bottom of the stairs I tell him.

"I need your help with something"

I'm sure he heard me, but he doesn't stop or turns around, just keeps walking trough the living-room towards the kitchen. I had not considered the possibility he might refuse to help me; selfishly I had only thought of what I wanted never considering what it would be for him. I was desperately trying to hold on to the memory of my sister, but I had my mother, away for the time being, but I had her. He had no one at all and it had been all because of me.

The events set in motion by my berries stunt had destroyed so much more than the government of horrors run by president Snow; Finnick, Haimytch and even I knew it, no decent person ever won the games, except maybe for Peeta, and it had done him no good because he was near me.

He sets two cups of tea on the table, one sugar for me, none for him, two rolls of sweet bread and a pulled chair waiting, he motions for me to take a seat and eat, but I need to push the subject before my determination fails me

"I need you to draw some things for me"

I tell him what I want to do and he listens in complete silence, letting me run around telling small parts of the memories I want to place in the book, but I'm carefully leaving out what brought the idea.

The things we said that night on the beach, the hunger I felt with his kiss, all of it was part of a life that belonged to the past, stir those emotions now, would do no good.

"It sounds like a great idea. Way better than the patch of flowers" the happiness in his voice rings loud in my ears and like mockingjays repeating a tune, my thoughts sing back in relief, he is on board.

I seat there, not sure of how I should act around him or what is an appropriate subject to talk about now that what I wanted to say is out. Our mornings were never eventful, we just sat, ate and then we each go, it's the routine. Eventual observations about the changes going on over the District or the good quality of the game I brought or the bread Peeta made break the silence, but it never goes further.

I take a deep breath and it feels like hitting a wall face front. Cinnamon and dill fill my lungs, I tense on the spot remembering my last round of nightmares, plagued with this smell, mutts and fire. I'm fighting the urge to run unsure of my surroundings; all nightmares had been like this, a happy sensation or some form of satisfaction snatched right away, turned in to a horrific night where glistening eyes and sharp teeth ripped me apart.

The touch of his hand bringing me back to the present makes me recoil.

"Are you ok?" his hurt, his touch never before bothered me, but I had flinched the second he laid his hand on me. I stare at him, he is real and he is here. "I'm sorry." I say meekly as he puts his hand on my shoulder, soft voice coaxing me to look at him

"Don't worry about it" his tone soft and sweet feels like the embrace that always made me sleep through a night enveloped in a calm mist of peace. "Come on, I'll walk you back"

The walk can´t take more than five minutes, but the cold air has me shivering in no time, snow will be covering every inch of ground soon. Our victor's tour day replays in my head, he had offered me a white flag that day. I pause for an instant and a few steps later he realizes I'm not by his side.

"I have one more favor to ask" I surprise myself at how steady my voice sounds considering how much I'm shivering "Can we try again, being friends?"

I didn't want to feel so selfish just trying to hold on to Prim's memory for my sake alone, I had convinced myself that I was trying to right my wrongs, it was kind of true, most of the people I should make amends with were gone, their faces could only look at me form the pages of the book and my words would never reach them, but with Peeta I have a chance and with the new found bravery running through my veins, I throw the first line trying to close the abyss between us.

There had been a time when we had been dangerous and unforgiving, looking merciless in Cinna and Portia's work, but more than that, it had been a time when I was sure of one thing, while we were holding hands there was no safer place in the world than next to each other.

He doesn't answer, I'm playing nervously with the end of my braid, it had been a mistake "I'm sorry, you don't have to" the words stay in the air unfinished, his holding me in his arms; Safe in his embrace and hidden from the rest of the world I give free rein to my apologies.

"I should have done more; I should have made them go for you immediately. It should have been you leading the revolution, you, not me who should have been saved. And...And" the sobs are starting to choke me, but I go on there are no walls now, all the late apologies I had to give him flow openly.

I've lost track of time and space.

We are resting on the couch in my house, the only source of light is a warm fire burning; his rhythmical breathing and the thud of his heart are the noises that rouse me, the grip he has over me feels secure and firm but I brace myself for the horrible nightmare about to start, I don't deserve a moment of peace or time to rest, every night like a silent mist, the nightmares come to remind me of all the wrongs I would never had a chance to right, It didn't matter how many books I filled in a life time, forgiveness wasn't meant for me.

After a while nothing happens, the room remains the same, there are no mutts, no fire, no ashes, only his steady heart beat and breathing that work as a lullaby making me drift again.

When I open my eyes, he is no longer by my side, the racket in the kitchen gives him away, Peeta was definitively not good at concealing his location; he was loud indoors and outdoors. I walk slowly, my braid loose and the strands of hair stick out oddly. I feel light, the air, now tainted with the sweet smells of fresh spices cheers me, the warm fuzzy feeling invading my brain and body seem out of place, but it's so fulfilling I decide to hang to it for as long as I can, a few seconds only.

When I reach the kitchen I see the pans and spoons scattered around the floor and his body, limp and unconscious at the base of the counter, seems to be convulsing. I run to his side, eyes wide open and no trace of blue in them, the iron grip of fear gets to me, I hadn´t seen any of his trackerjacker venom outbursts since he was here, I had been stupid enough to believe they were over, he seemed so normal, so back to himself, I cut that line of thoughts, there is no time to duel over it, I grab him by the shoulder and seat him against the counter.

"Peeta, it's not real" I try to whisper, but the convulsion keeps its steady course, and I'm yelling at him, trying to reach him where ever he's gone to. "Listen to me! It's not real" the pleading in my voice stirs him a bit after a few minutes, he blinks several times before I see the blue pools of his eyes staring back at me with a panicked look searching my face for answers.

"What…?" his voice barely audible, like he had been screaming "Did I hurt you?"

I shake my head unsure of what my own voice may sound like. He attempts to get up, but decides against it. "I… I was cooking, when a thought crossed my mind, you were on the couch, asleep, it was the perfect moment to…" he doesn't finish what his saying, he has no need to; we both know how to end the phrase. It was the perfect moment to kill me.

"You didn't hurt me" I manage the words as natural as possible "The racket woke me, when I came in you were on the floor" there is a tiny edge of hysteria in my voice, but he either ignores it or really didn't hear it. He limits himself to nod in relief.

"I anchored myself to the counter, but I can't recall much after that, just the shiny edges of the image and then, I heard you"

"Does it happen often?" I ask, not able to restrain "The attacks I mean".

He shakes his head "Not so much anymore. There are things that trigger a certain memory and it happens. Dr. Aurelius made me watch over and over again all the recordings they had of us, trying to trigger as many memories as it was possible"

He starts laughing, shaking his head as he tries to stand up. I frown at him, is this a side effect of the attacks? I'm helping him up when a voice startles us, making us loose our balance, falling back to the ground

"What is so funny kid?" Haymitch is standing over the door of my kitchen, looking sober for a change, Sae by his side looking curiously at us. I had slept the whole night, no nightmares had haunted me and it was time for breakfast.


	4. Chapter 4

** Hey! Thanks for reading and following :) I'm over the moon about it! Reviews, critiques and suggestions are always welcome! I wish I did, but I don't own THG or the characters.**

**Chapter 4**

A sober Haymitch is always an unsettling view, I want to bolt out of the room but the soft laughter emanating from Peeta still, is a contestant hard to ignore, so I stay.

Morning greetings are exchanged as we finally manage to get up from the floor. Sae tells Peeta, some people from town had been looking for him and were a little preoccupied he hadn't been around as usual.

"I overslept" he answers, still amused by something I can't understand, oversleeping however I understood perfectly.

Usually by the time I woke up the sun hadn't come out but the windows of his kitchen were already open, soft light emanating from the house. Nightmares in my case and probably his too didn't let us sleep too long and we found it was easier to be busy than linger over the flashing images of our dreams, however, right now It had to be past eight or close to it, a brisk wind came through the still open door and bluish patches of sky were visible among the clouds. We had slept through the whole night together.

Haymitch's presence doesn't add much to the conversation for the time being, Sae, accustomed to our silent meals hums a song happily as she cooks. Being idle is not helping me, so I stand to pull out dishes, opening a cabinet here and there but failing to find a single one.

"Upper cabinet to your right" says Peeta, much calmer now, color filling back his face, but exhausted.

Our breakfast goes on, tension palpable in the air, Haymitch didn't need to talk for me to understand what he was saying, we were alike, he knew what not even Gale did, the truth behind my motives; he could see it crystal clear since day one. I had recognized my motives too but only after Peeta had pointed it out when he was no longer blinded by his feelings.

He had been a great mentor, we, the star-crossed lovers of district 12 had live after two sets of Games and a Revolution, no mentor from any district could claim such a feat, drunken he wasn't such a decent person, but a focused and sober Haymitch had proven how effectively he could cause havoc and survive to it.

Yes, a sober Haymitch was truly unsettling.

Though the reasons for his current state were less startling, I didn't trust myself to say much over the table about the events of the day before, my courage had deflated with Peeta's recent attack and Haymitch inquisitive look just added to my nerve wreck and I could see the questions flying behind his eyes. One thing was bothering me over all though, no one has asked about Peeta's attack, and I suspected an existing agreement that I wasn't part of.

I realize now how much time has elapsed since my confinement to District 12 had started, is not only about missing a birthday celebration, is the traders from the Hob that are back; entire families that survived had come back too, to their home.

People that belonged to my past had found how to go on after grieving their loved ones and enjoyed the present. I had lost a lot but others lost just as much, if not more. The living example was seating next to me on the table and so far he didn't seem to be wallowing in self-pity.

Dishes are cleared out as Haymitch announces he is going to the train station, he's been waiting on a cargo of liquor from Capitol. Sae leaves quickly saying she will be back later to fix up some dinner. Again, it's just us seating on the table. Not wanting to talk about the attack he had just yet I ask him something completely random

"Has Delly been back for long?" Being a safe enough topic, he starts telling me about who and what he has seen while helping reconstruct.

Most people that have come back are from the Seam, he doesn't know them much, but everyone knows him. The plowing of the fields is almost ready, but they'll wait till spring to plant it, in the meantime the construction occupies most of the man power available. Supplies come every week or so by train, and somewhere amid of the conversation he remembers he has to go to the bakery. Oh yes, the bakery building was back and he was running it.

"Ah! I need to go to the train station too"

"NO!" I'm not letting him out of my sight till I'm sure he is ok. I don't care if the bakery opens or not, if the piles of flour have to be all night on the station, so be it. He is not going; I want to cut the conversation before having to face the subject of his attack, but he turns things around and a few words are enough to break my opposing argument and I find myself walking with him down the narrow path form the Victors village to town a bit later.

Facing the crowd is not as hard as I thought. Faces run around, some familiar others completely new mixing over the market build to replace the Hob and on the streets. The old constructions from the time I called the Seam my home, have been cleared out of the way and replaced by new ones, neat and ironically enough, capable of surviving a bombing. A small memorial was built to honor the lives lost on the day Capitol tried to erase District 12 from the map.

He needs to stop by the bakery before getting to the station and as we near to it, people greet him calling him Mr. Mellark, I can see small flashes of sadness crossing his face, the previous Mr. Mellark had been kind man that had shown nothing but love for his children and I was in his debt too, he had once offered to take care of my sister, never let her starve even when he knew there was a chance that I might kill his son in the Arena. The apple hadn't fall far from the tree.

By the time we reach the station is boiling with people, there is a line here and there, presenting papers to have the supplies delivered. Others waiting for smaller things that could be carried out form the station. Haymitch is there, waiting for his crate of white liquor.

The crowd keeps growing and I'm unsure of the way we are supposed to go, so I do the only thing that makes sense here. Hold his hand. Our fingers fit easily, the contact of our palms feels secure like before, hand in hand the crowd is easy to manage and fades to the back while my heart gallops with satisfaction.

When we get to the place where Peeta has to deliver the papers, someone I have never seen before calls me.

"Miss Everdeen?" I turn around unsure; Peeta is busy and hasn't noticed the bald man with glasses approaching me.

"Yes?"

He sighs in relief.

"I have a few things for you, but you must fill in the necessary papers to have it delivered to your house" his voice has become formal and official. I had no idea who would be sending me anything, the few friends I had in the past were either dead or living their lives away from me. My mother called every now and then, but there was nothing in our conversations that hinted she had sent something. Driven by curiosity I follow the bald man around, signaling to Peeta where I'm headed.

Filling all the papers, signatures here and there takes about fifteen minutes, when I get out, I search the line for Peeta, but he is no longer there. The constant flow of people seems to be ever growing and I give up a few minutes later.

Outside, by the main gate, there is no hint of him either. with a quick step I go to the bakery and through the windows I can see him ordering things around again, he sees me and hurries out.

"Hey! Sorry, I had to come in, they are bringing everything here first and they weren't ready." He is cleaning his hands over the white apron tied to his waist.

"It's ok, seems, I have some things pending to be delivered too"

"Sounds like a secret admirer" his teasing tone reveals how his spirits lift when he is here, keeping busy. I decide he is well enough and no longer needs me there. Why is that thought making me sad I can't figure. But we agree to meet for dinner to talk about the book.

Walking home is not as exhausting anymore; the streets are still full with people until I reach the road leading to the Victor's Village. I'm grateful for the silence. Things had changed a lot for me in the last 24 hours, none of what I had just seen could have happened in the blink of an eye, it took time, time that I had felt it was better spent hiding behind the walls of an empty house.

The old Katniss would have been furious with the current one. I spent years resenting my mother for abandoning Prim and me after my father died, because she had been weak and dived in a terrible depression, forcing me to do whatever I could to survive. I longed to be that Katniss again, but there was no Prim guiding my actions, no Gale to help me carry the burden.

I was no longer Katniss Everdeen, the girl from District 12 that had volunteered instead of her sister, I was no longer the girl on fire brought to life by Cinna, I was no longer the star-crossed lover than had pulled the berries fearing a life without my love, I was no longer the Mockingjay, the revolution was over; I was labeled mentally unstable. That was who I had become, a girl that after much fighting and suffering had ended with a bracelet stating mentally unstable

My mother had told me on the day that I parted the first time, that if she had been able to get the right medicine, she would have been just fine after the mine blast and nothing would have happened, but she had none and somehow she made it back. Maybe then, not all hope was lost for me. Maybe I too could recover.

When I get home, there are several packages waiting over the porch, but my attention is fixed over one particular package.

The note I find inside is short

_"Katniss:_

_Following what we spoke on the last session, I'm sending you this._

_Hopefully this will help you get started._

_Dr. Aurelius"_

I remove the protection hiding the contents of the box. I feel the unfamiliar motion of my face muscles pulling a smile; the box is full of parchment, enough to start my memory book.

I start carrying everything I can inside the house, not really interested in finding out what are the contents, whatever it is, has been waiting and can wait a bit longer, but I don't want to keep waiting to get started with the book, and I consider running back to the bakery for Peeta to get started at once, but a pressing matter is demanding my attention before I start with the book. I need to finish my pending conversation with Haymitch.

A bit of stew washed down with water serves me as lunch before I pull the courage to go over to his door. A small group gooses comes out from the back while I'm opening the door. The smell is still there, impregnated on the walls permanently I think, it was a pity Hazelle had moved with Gale to District 2, Haymitch house had never been more welcoming than when she had been taking care of him.

He is sitting on a chair in his kitchen, cold wild turkey and bread on top of the table with a half drank bottle of white liquor.

"Well hello Sweetheart. What can I do for you?"

He is not drunk yet, years of shoving large amounts of liquor had made him quite resistant, and I had the feeling he was waiting for me.

"I need to know what has been going on"

"It took you long enough to come"


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you all for following and making this a favorite FanFic! It's a pleasure to keep writing for you, so hopefully this will meet the expectations :) Suzanne Collins owns THG.**

**Chapter 5**

The original plan was to save us both from the arena but the plan hadn't gone all too well, Brutus had gotten in the way and even when Chaff had tried to stop him he had failed. Peeta, didn't trust Johanna or Enoibaria and had been captured along with them. Johanna had doubt where Enoibira's loyalties where, but the Capitol didn't and she had been a great aid when it was time to extract Peeta, Annie and Johanna, she had stayed behind to keep informing the rebels, and by doing so, she had secured her survival no matter what side won, she was a true victor of the Hunger Games.

They had constructed the whole plan with help of some Capitol rebels who knew the truth about District 13. It all had started with Finnick. He was the one collecting secrets from the highest bidder for his affections. So during the Seventy Four Hunger Games I had caught more than one eye, the berries had been literally the drop that started the flood.

The moment the Quell had been announced the efforts had been doubled, a really intricate net spread around to get things running, Haymitch had no choice but to join them, it was perhaps the only chance he had to save us since Snow had decided to kill us as publicly as possible, his intention warn those thinking to rebel.

Not all victors could be brought in the plan it had to be real; some lives had to be sacrificed for the greater good. Peeta and I had to be kept in the dark, the slightest hint of something brewing and we would all die, so they had to make it look real. I had been right in the arena, they weren't protecting Peeta out of the goodness of their heart; they needed him alive to get their revolution running.

Had anyone figured how much they were sacrificing? If they had known Coin's true colors beforehand, would they have risked their life like that, for Peeta and me?

Haymitch's nightmares included not just the dead tributes from his games and the tributes he had to prepare to die in the Arena for twenty three years anymore, now he had added the faces of the friends he had to sacrifice to save Peeta and me.

Haymitch had pleaded to coin to get Peeta out as soon as we arrived to District 13, even when he had said to Finnick it would be a suicide mission, he has obligated to try, the markings I had made with my nails were a hot reminder of his guilt, had he informed us beforehand, maybe we wouldn't have been separated and he too would be in District 13 by now, but he had been refused on the account of being a waste of human resources to get him immediately, they had me, the central piece they needed, so he had become expendable, until I had found out what president Snow was doing and I was no longer functional to them, only then Coin agreed to the possibility of sacrificing valuable soldiers to bring him back. Finnick too had been subdued to this situation, making knots on a piece of rope is how we survived.

After Peeta had been brought back, Plutarch Heavensbee wanted to use him and his state as part of a propaganda, Haymitch had been close to kill him, had I know this before, there wouldn't be an ex Head Gamemaker running around.

Peeta had been sent with us to the Capitol in the middle of a conflicting situation, while all doctors opposed, Peeta himself had presented quite an argument to Coin and she had found it impossible to reject his request or so was the rumor of why he had been sent, of course, his assignment to our unit had been dictated by the president herself. Boggs had it right. Coin had thought that would be the ace under her sleeve to get me out of the picture, since I had become to her just as much of a problem I had been to Snow, only difference was she had been smart enough to take what Snow had planned and used it for her benefit. What both she and Snow had overlooked was how strong Peeta really was.

The chaos that had risen after killing Coin had been worse for them than what I could possible imagine.

I wasn't the only one that had been imprisoned, they had taken Gale and Haymitch; Peeta had put up the hell of a fight before he had been thrown back in a cell in Capitol. It had triggered everything he had suffered.

"That kid is a piece of work; it would have been a better bet to save him than you from the beginning!"

I can't argue with him on that one.

It took about 10 guards to get him before they could knock him out. He wanted to go for you, the problem is no one knew if he was trying to kill you or protect you"

Gale and Haymitch had been released a few days after to declare on my trial.

Peeta had it the worse and hadn't been called to declare on my trial since he had been sedated and transferred immediately the medical facilities of the training center.

So he had been an elevator ride away from me.

"The chaos your little act caused had everyone on edge. Paylor took charge and had you put back in the training center. She wanted to make sure you would be safe. Some of Coin's man wanted you kill on the spot. She likes you for some reason"

I have to recall my exchanges with Paylor to analyze later.

"Your trial dragged for a month, Heavensbee had the time of his life broadcasting that."

I could hear him in my head saying brightly _"Forget the Quell; this is the transmission of the century!"_

The trial hadn't ended in my execution thanks to Dr. Aurelius and Gale had parted to District 2 immediately with Beete, to start working on the reconstruction of Panem, he had severed all his ties with District 12 by taking his family with him.

President Paylor had me sent to District 12 as soon as I my health had allowed; it wasn't safe to keep me in Capitol since the supporters of the deceased president Coin wanted my blood and having me there only meant more trouble. I was no longer useful to the higher propose of building a new Panem, so I was better confined under the surveillance of my former mentor, away from the public eye.

Other things come to light in our conversation, but I can't hold on more information in my brain, I'm wondering how many more blows I can take before I end up in pieces again. Silence reigns between us while the weight of the things he has revealed sets in.

We had been used, toyed with, moved like pieces on a board to win a game we didn't want to play. I was in an even greater debt with Peeta and Haymitch now. Gale was, without any further ado a piece that no longer fitted in my life or rather I was a piece that no longer fitted in his.

Changes had been going on all around Panem under Paylor's presidency, she might had been elected on a time of chaos, but had a pretty good idea on how to do her part.

Beete had been requested back in Capitol, how could he possible face every day that place was beyond me. Johanna had taken off from district thirteen back to the capitol as soon as my trial started and had moved to District 4 with Annie Cresta when it was over. Finnick had been the closest thing she ever had to a friend and she felt obligated to look after her and kept a close correspondence with Peeta.

When he is done, he pours me a glass of white liquor; one glass after another we keep draining the bottles he has at hand.

My head is throbbing and my stomach seems to be unable to hold its contents for much longer so I run to the bathroom. I had forgotten how bad drinking with Haymitch could be. The hot water running down my body makes my muscles relax.

How had I come back home? I don't even remember standing up from Haymitch's kitchen table. The sun is already pouring. I had spent another night undisturbed by nightmares, unconscious of course, but nightmare free. Was that the reason Haymitch kept drinking?

When I reach the kitchen, I expect to find the usual commotion for breakfast hour, but there is no one, just a plate with food and cinnamon buns made by Peeta. Was it that late? I decide to leave food there, my stomach is still tender and I don't feel like spending any more time bent expelling what's on the plate.

I reach the studio door and see the packages that were delivered seating around, the parchment from Dr. Aurelius is at the center of the desk. My head is still throbbing horribly as I try to connect the dots. I feel something is missing while I stare at the parchment.

I missed dinner with Peeta.

I'm not sure If should go to his house or wait until tomorrow; maybe if I call him and ask him to stop by later, but I remember, he is probably working at the bakery and I don't know if I can reach him by phone there. Having no other choice I grab a coat out of the closet and take off for town.

I had more than just the book to talk to him about, there was so much Haymitch couldn't tell me and I wanted to now. I had taken the blows of truth and made it, may be not as whole as I wanted, but I had managed to hear it all and not break. It felt good to be in control of my emotions at least, since my existence had been dictated by others for what seemed to be a life time I was enjoying this bit of empowerment.

I reach the bakery but there is no sign of Peeta when I peer through the windows, so I go in, Delly is there helping around, tending costumers, she waves to greet me, and I walk by the counter where she is, waiting for the client she is taking care of to be done.

"Hello Katniss" her voice is cautious, like she knows something I don't. "How have you been?" her attitude is making me feel uncomfortable, but I force myself to answer politely and ask straight "Is Peeta in the back?" her eyes scan the room nervously before she tells me he is in fact in the back but is really busy, she offers to tell him I stopped by.

I take off over to Sae's new business in the square, I feel well enough now to grab a bite. I find some old acquaintances on my way, old familiar faces made the place look more like home, though the buildings were brand new, the smell in the air and their voices carrying around as usual gave a familiar feeling to the place.

She asks me how I'm feeling; Haymitch had taken me home, or as she told me, stumbled in to my house half carrying me half dragging himself. Peeta had taken Haymitch back and then me up the stairs, he had been waiting for me.

So he had been there, last time he had seen me like that, he invaded Haymitch's house to get rid of all the white liquor. Hopefully he hadn't pulled that stunt this time. There was no Quell in sight, so Haymitch's alcohol had to be safe. I would stop by the market to get him some, just in case Peeta had flipped out on him again.

I return to the bakery as promised, but my eye is caught by the perfectly beautiful icings on the cakes and goods on display, that was undoubtedly his handy work. I think back to the days prior to the unfortunate reaping of the seventy four Hunger Games, Prim dragging me around to see the icing on the cakes. I hadn't known then it was him who did it, but I loved just as much as Prim to look at the beautiful creations. That's another memory I want in the book.

I recollect my thoughts and focus on looking for Peeta, and he is there just fine, looking happy and enjoying some sort of joke with Delly, they looked so much alike they could be related, just like Gale and I, they had used our look alike Seam profile to cover our friendship and make it look like our times spent together were the product of being cousins, not friends; but Gale and I hadn't just stayed friends. I had chosen him at some point, willing to give Peeta up.

I don't want to stand there looking at them laugh anymore but I don't want to go in either, so I just turn around to go back to the Victors Village. My heart feels heavy and my chest tight making it impossible to breath, my blurry vision lets me know I'm crying.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys! Sorry if anyone had some problems to view chapter 5 using the link on the email, there was some kind of technical problem. Luckily it got fix. Plz review and let me know if you like the way the story is going! Thanks for reading! All credits of THG belong to Mrs. Suzanne Collins.**

**Chapter 6**

As soon as I reach my house, I go straight to my room and strip of my cloths and I crawl under my bed covers. It's been an excruciating day and my emotions have left me completely drained. All the things I had refused to see or acknowledge seem to be waiting on a line outside my door and I can't keep hiding from them.

I drift off to a restless sleep.

Prim is there, looking as pretty as ever, with a blue dress, my mother did her hair in a braid, she keeps polishing our father's shaving mirror with an old cloth, when she turns to look at me, her face is just as I remember her, but when she talks, her voice sounds a thousand years old

"There's more to life, than seeing others live"

I open and close my mouth several times before I can speak, my voice sounds strangled

"Prim"

I start moving to reach her and as soon as my fingers are about to touch her, flames engulf her burning me too.

I wake up crying not screaming but the sobs shake my entire body, why was I always unable to save her, I did all I could, I had tried with all my force to keep her safe from harm and a rain of silver parachutes had snatch her away from me.

I'm suffocating inside the room, I need to get away from my nightmares, from the house that's full of memories; I stumble around collecting my clothes and dressing as fast as I can, I get my father's hunting jacket and my bow and rush out to get my game bag, when I see him there in my kitchen, leaving fresh bread.

Face to face, we both seem to be out of words.

"Morning"

"I was leaving you some buns for breakfast. You must be feeling better if you are going out hunting"

"I am. Thanks for the help. Sae told me you were the one that got me to my room" he limits himself to nod, having nothing else to say or do he turns to leave. "Peeta, wait" he turns back. "Come with me" his perplexed look tells me this is unexpected.

"I'm too noise to hunt along with you. Real or not real?"

"Real, but we always manage an arrangement. I hunt and you collect things" His blue eyes seem distant for a moment, probably recollecting a memory. He looks back at me a little doubtful.

"I don't think is such a good idea, besides I have work at the bakery"

I bite my lower lip thinking of something to say to convince him, I can't explain why but I want him to come, somehow his presence even here in the dim light of the kitchen is making me feel better.

"There's a place I want to show you for the book" He knows I'm using the book to bring him along, I can see it in his eyes, those deep blue eyes that are fixated on me, trying to figure the true behind my reasons, but failing to understand me.

He finally agrees to come, but asks if we can stop on the way in a couple of places and he needs to go back to his house to pick his sketch book and some warmer cloths while he does, I pack some food, just in case I don't have much luck hunting.

Winter wind is starting to bite around the day, and there is a thin layer of ice here and there on the road from Victor's Village to the woods. We stop last over Greasy Sae to leave her a fresh loaf of bread and a note, so she can go straight to Haymitch and not worry about us but I can't help the feeling he is doing that to let someone know our whereabouts, just in case.

The road is a bit difficult for Peeta, he seems to be out of practice walking down rough paths, and our clothes, reflecting the heat of our own bodies have us sweating like crazy, but it's better than being exposed to the chilled wind that started blowing at sunrise. After a few stumbles, I think we are keeping a good enough pace so we take a seat under a huge oak tree to eat our breakfast after a while.

He is absent minded looking at our surroundings and somehow I know he is drinking in all the images that he can to go back to his canvas and recreate the forest to the last ray of light touching the tree leaves. When I have our food laid out, he digs in, still absent minded.

"You came back worried and mad at me for not returning our signal in the forest, real or not real?"

His question catches me out of guard, is he having an attack right now? I do a quick assessment but he seems to be in control of himself so I recompose myself immediately answering his question.

"Real, you said you were by the stream picking berries and didn't hear it. I thought Cato and Clove had caught you and I came back running looking for you"

He nods again; there is no change in his demeanor so, keep eating our meal quietly. The woods lift my spirits the way working at the bakery seems to cheer him, I feel free and more alive out here than in any other place in all of Panem, here where I first ventured with my father and then on my own to help our family survive, here where I used to meet Gale and spent so many hours hunting. I felt more like the old me than ever before.

"You know, it's still hard sometimes to tell apart the real memories from the ones Snow altered. I paint them when I can't sleep and go back later to look at them, some are so distorted on the canvas, I know it was just a tampered memory, others, I wish they weren't real, but I know they are. No shinny edge or excessive color to them"

"My nightmares too, sometimes they feel so real, that when I'm awake I'm not sure if it's a nightmare or not, you on the other hand, I could never tell when you were having one" His matter of fact answer makes me wonder, was that conversation on a tape, had he heard the answer there, or he remembered on his own

"Well, most of my nightmares where about losing you, so once I had realized you were there, I was ok"

I want to ask him about it, but he cuts me before I can say anything by telling me we should get going, so we do and it takes about two more hours to get us where I want. The ruins of the old construction are still there, the lake as beautiful as I can remember. Peeta stands next to me.

"You were right. You can't quite put this place in to words" I turn to look at him, he is just inches away from me, if I move my hand a bit I can take his, but a rabbit breaking a twig somewhere near us startles me and I miss my chance, he is already moving to the ruins to leave our things.

We agree that while I go hunt near the lake, he can pick some roots and herbs that grow around, there is no real need to do it since we have enough food left, but my hands itch to use the bow, I crave to feel the woods alive around me and let go while I'm shooting my arrows.

I come back two hours later, a rabbit and two squirrels hanging from my belt, I can feel my cheeks flushed and the blood running through my veins. It feels good to be home.

Once I reach the lake, there is a fire burning in the heart of the old ruins, Peeta had collected enough to season our food and combined with what we have left we can pull a good feast. I clean the kill and put it to the fire. By the time I seat next to him, he is finishing a drawing.

"So, what's the story about this place?" I tell him about my father, how he had come upon the lake and the times we spent here while I learned how to swim.

"This is how you learned to swim, that's why you had no problem with the Quell's arena" his scribbling on the paper stops and I can see his hands shaking he tries to hold the pencil with both hands to stop them from shaking, but he does it with such force, the pencil breaks in two. His dilated pupils meet my eyes and his hands fly to my shoulders. It doesn't feel like he is trying to hurt me, more like holding on to something, but his fingers are digging which such force, a bruise will be inevitable. I don't try to fight him off.

"Peeta, look at me, I'm here! It's not real" his fingers keep digging in my shoulders and it's hurting me, but I'm afraid a sudden movement will make it worse. I take my hands up to his, as slow as I can and hold to them. His grip changes from my shoulders to my hands and I pull them in between us. He is not convulsing this time, but the expression on his face is of pain and terror.

Not knowing what else to do to bring him back, I do the same thing I did back in Capitol and lean in to kiss him full on the lips; they feel ice cold, so unlike him, I close my eyes and hold the kiss, but before I can break it, I feel him falling as he faints. He falls with a thud over the ground, pulling me along, since we are still holding hands, I feel on top of him, crashing against his chest.

I get up as fast as I can and run to get some water to splash his face, but when I'm back by his side his eyes are open, looking blankly at the sky. I remove the hair that has been damped by his sweat out of his face

"What was it this time?"

"You were trying to drown me, at the Quell Arena; Finnick was helping you push me in to the water, my lungs burned"

"Not real. Remember the fog, the only way to get better was diving in to the sea, you helped me pull Finnick in, when we got the medicine, Finnick and I woke you with a scare" I smile a bit at the memory, I had had so much fun right then, thinking it would be one of the last times I would have before my death sentence was executed in front of all of Panem.

He seats up slowly taking a few gulps of water before getting back on his feet and walking leaning on me. I can feel a slight stab of pain, but I won't say anything to him, the last thing I need is an excessively worried Peeta.

We seat to start our little feast in awkward mood, I don't know if he remembers my lips on his just a few moments ago so I tell him a couple more things about the lake to break the silence while we eat. I keep eyeing him every now and then to make sure he is ok.

"You know, Dr. Aurelius said this could happen, the recycled flashes."

"What do you mean?" I want him to keep going, since he is bringing out the subject maybe I can get some answers

"After they made me watch all the videos and trigger as much tampered memories as they could, Dr. Aurelius said that being close to you, the target of the hijacking, some flashes could happen again, with less force of course, since I already know the memory has been tampered with" his gaze diverts from mine before saying "Katniss, I'm still worried that I might try to hurt you, I think it would be better if you write your memories and I just draw the image from what I'm reading"

I feel my heart contract at his words; I'm the cause of his current attacks, so he had been ok until I showed up barging in to his life, causing him pain. Nothing I did lately came out the right way apparently, but since we were being honest with each other and I'm determinate to know the things that went on while I was locked behind the walls of my house, I ask him the one question I've been burning to ask since I saw him planting the primroses out of my house.

"Why did you come back to District 12?

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**Please review guys! I want to know what you think about it so far. Any suggestions? More of something? Less of something? Thanks for being AWESOME readers!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hope you enjoy! I'm really sorry for the delay. I had to finish a project :( All credits of THG belong to Mrs. Suzanne Collins**

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**Chapter 7**

He looked at me the way you look at someone who's asking something so obvious and logical that there was really no need to ask the question in the first place.

"Because all the family I have left is here; you are all the family I have left" He adds after a second "You and Haymitch are all the family I have left".

His words sink in one by one in my mind.

"Besides, is what you and I do, we take care of each other right? I know I'm not the one you chose, but that doesn't change what we do, and how do you expect me to do it if I'm not where I have to be?"

I nod while I'm chewing my food. The old Peeta used to say things like those and I would flinch internally; not being able to discern how I felt for him made it impossible to accept his words. Only when I had convinced myself that there was no way I could survive the Arena I had been able to accept him and to some extent return his feelings.

Finnick had pointed out his doubts about my feelings for Peeta until he had hit the force field; all Panem had confirmed what they thought was true; my feelings for Peeta were so real and strong that Snow knew he had what he wanted; he could use Peeta to destroy me.

I shake the thought out when something soft and wet reaches my cheek, snowflakes are falling; winter is here. I hug myself more tightly. Time and time again, I've survived thanks to the boy sitting in front of me, with the bread when we were young, at the games making an alliance with the Careers at first and then offering me his life so I could return home, when I had killed Coin and was ready to die, his hand had been in the way.

If I had been able to eat the pill Cinna had hidden in the left shoulder of my mockingjay suit, he wouldn't be here, his attacks would be over and he would be loved by the people around him, while he spent his life baking and painting but he had put his hand and took my chance with him, thus forcing me to live

"You didn't have to save me in Capitol"

"I saw you the moment the arrow had left the string of the bow"

I open my eyes to look at him, sitting across from me, frowning in concentration, recollecting the moment, hoping I think; to contain anything that might trigger an attack.

"You stood there, so sure in the middle of it all; I knew it when you looked up, what you were going to do. All I could think of was reaching you. My mind had never felt so clear as then. I had to run to you to protect you no matter what"

He chuckles as he points to the marks my teeth left on his hand. "I'm glad you never had in you to bite when you were having a nightmare"

I ignore the sweet sound of his laughter pressing further in to what went on

"Haymitch said it had taken quite the amount of man to take you"

"It felt like being in my worst nightmare; I was losing you, but this time the nightmare was real I was there seeing them take you, I remember the stab of a needle and then, when I woke up, they had put me back in the training center hospital" I can hear the tremble in his voice, perhaps the memory was too much.

I move from my spot to sit by him and rest my head on his shoulder. Since I had come back to District 12, I had many opportunities to put an end to my life, but could never bring myself to do it. I had been waiting for something more, my line of thoughts is interrupted when I feel his head, resting on top of mine

"I was there too. We were one elevator ride away from each other" I feel his arm go across my shoulders, the familiar pressure of his weight feels right. I take the hand hanging over my shoulder and trace the bite marks I left

"It would have been better for everyone if you hadn't put your hand in the way"

He sighs exasperated, like an adult that is tired of trying to explain something to a child

"You really don't get it, do you? You are a survivor Katniss; you can always find reasons to live"

Is my turn to be upset, the conversation feels oddly familiar, like the one we had back at the beach, but there is no dead sentence pending over our heads and the more I push on the subject the more he pushes back.

"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you" I say accusingly. It was stupid to pretend I was a survivor, I did all I could to put an end to my life after Prim had died. I was no survivor; I had made it not because I wanted, but because I had been forced.

And yet, once I had come home, life had found a way to go on.

I'm so vexed by his words I want to get up, but his arm holds me in place.

"The odds are not in your favor if you want to play this game. We are even, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you" He answers me in a playful tone and gives me a reassuring squeeze. I can feel the smile rising to my lips; he was always able to turn things around.

I have to accept it; my life is tied to his, for better or worse.

I don't want to break apart and let go of his hand, but he is right, if we don't get going soon, we won't be able to make it back to the Seam section of the District with the sunlight. Before we go, I make him promise he will come to work with me on the book, he agrees reluctantly and suggest we bring Haymitch in, to prevent possible attacks.

"If you can get him to sober up enough to come" I say before we get on our way. I know I'll regret my words later since Peeta will get him to come, one way or another.

Our walk back is less extenuating; the temperature is going down fast and our clothes are no longer suffocating us but keeping us warm, we are walking in silence hand in hand, since I don't want to lose Peeta on the way and I have the feeling he would oppose to let go of my hand.

By the time we reach the fence, moonlight is guiding us and little breath clouds form as we go. I know the way back even with my eyes closed, so we keep walking hand in hand all the way to the Victor's Village. There is no light in our houses, and all we can hear to the distance are the goose Haymitch keeps now.

He comes in to help me light the fire and I prepare us something to eat, all the exercise and taxing of my feelings has me once more drained to my bones and I'm starving.

We chat a bit about life in District 12 or rather he explains to me the bakery works and improvements; details on how the market seems to run now, he shares with me all the mundane details of life I have missed. Our plates are empty quite fast and before I realize, he is telling me he is going

I don't want him to go.

I find myself longing for his company, for the old Peeta that loved me so dearly. I know the house will feel empty once he's gone and my nightmares come back to haunt me.

I want to ask him to stay a bit longer; perhaps suggest he skips going to the bakery one more day and go with me to the meadow instead, but I don't say anything except good night as he leaves.

I'm staring at the fire, replaying our conversation in the woods, filling in some blank spaces but still missing things, there is so much more I want to ask but I fear it will be like putting salt to an open wound and what I'll do is hurt him further. However there is something he said earlier today that's going around in my head, he said _I know I'm not the one you chose_. The sting on my finger brings me back to reality; I had been biting my nails.

I grab a lighter jacket and cross the short distance between his house and mine, I knock softly and wait a few minutes I hear him walking hurriedly; he opens the door with a worried look.

"Are you ok? Is your house burning?" he peers out of the door, smelling the air, making sure everything is ok.

"Can I come in?" He stands aside holding the door for me. I see his sketch book over the couch, the lake in all its glory it's reflected over the open page, I move the book carefully to sit down.

"So, what can I do for you?"

I feel so stupid being there for something that probably meant absolutely nothing, but I couldn't get the words out of my head, it made me uncomfortable and I couldn't explain why. I try to make my voice sound matter-of-fact as best as I can

"What did you mean when you told me _I know I'm not the one you chose_?"

The change in his face is remarkable and not in a good way, he's bright happy eyes seem to be cast down with one blink and he is fidgeting nervously, so he leans against the wall to stop.

"I knew you did not mean for me to know the moment you spoke and I couldn't get you to calm down"

He is talking about the night that Haymitch had somehow half carried me and half dragged himself from his table all the way back to my house

"You were apologizing thinking I was Gale, saying the engagement had been a stunt, and it hadn't worked out, that it was too late to run, and you kept saying over and over again that it would have been easier if you could have hated him. I guess you were talking about me"

The only other time I had been drunk, the one that had been waiting for me at home had been Gale, realizing I no longer fitted in to his life, had made me think that Peeta was him, so I had said all those things for an imaginary Gale, trying to explain my actions

I'm there motionless, my mind racing to find a way to apologize, to justify the atrocious things I had said, because I was sure he was just giving me a summarized version, but he speaks first

"You and me, we were just a show for the sponsors and the revolution I know that, but we are still allies and friends"

I'm yelling to myself No, no, no, NO! I need to set the record straight, I have lost enough of Peeta and I refuse to give up a single inch now.

I'm so upset by his conclusion, that my words come out raspy and harsh at first, but as I go forward telling him about my last meeting with Gale, about the silver parachutes and how I had seen Prim burn, my voice breaks and I clench my fists.

I don't know when did he moved from the wall to sitting in the small table in front of me, holding both my hands in his and leaning his forehead to mine.

I'm done with the story, I can feel myself breathing fast, my mouth dry and my throat itching.

"I'm sorry you lost them both"

"This is what I meant Peeta; you make it impossible for me to hate you"

He lets go of my hands to hold his side as he laughs, a whole heartfelt laughter that fills the air and makes me giggle until I'm joining him with heartfelt laughter.

Laughing this way, after spilling so many bitter angry tears felt delicious and exuberant.

This was more than just a routine that made sense; it was me, here and now, living again

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**Again Im SO SO SO sorry for the delay! I hope it was worth the wait! And I'm not ending with a question! :P Please review :) it makes my day when you guys do :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys! Thanks for reading and following and making the story a favorite! You really make my day :)! Also thanks to my friend Laura for taking the pic that now illustrates this FanFic! THG credits belong to Suzanne Collins.**

**Chapter 8**

That night the weight of so many things vanishes as we laugh.

We are both aware there are still blank spaces we need to fill; the woods had been just the first step. He had questions about us, about the things we had lived together, I wanted to know about his time in Capitol, his recovery in District 13, what had happened to him after the fire, but for now, we had started mending and closing the horrible abyss that had opened between us.

We are taking baby steps making the book; I have to admit is harder than I thought, with some of the memories Peeta needs to make several sketches, other times, we have to wait for mail from Dr. Aurelius, Effie, Johanna, my mother or anyone else whose help we need to complete a memory.

The day I started writing about my little sister, I thought I had overcome the pain of losing her and the longing of having her with me, but I was wrong. I still miss my sister more than words will ever be able to explain and the weight of her absence makes my will to live falter sometimes and when the morning comes, I feel the world is an empty place, too big and frightening to face and it's impossible to get out of bed.

When Peeta is not able to stay with me on those days, Sae or Haymitch, if he is sober, come and keep an eye on me, there is not much they can say to get me out of bed, but not being alone helps me remember there is always a reason to go on, exceptionally, some things could return me to the real world so fast it made my head spin.

Peeta's last attack had happened on the worst snowstorms of the season so far and spring wasn't all that far away; he had passed out on his way back to Victor's Village and by the time Haymitch had found him, he had frost bites, superficial cuts and a contusion. When both the doctor and Haymitch brought him back from the Hospital, they suggested I should rest since there wasn't anything I could do for Peeta right then, he had been medicated and would be asleep for a while, a nurse would come shortly to look after him, but I refused, I wanted to be there when he woke up.

I spent the night on the rocker by his side, he had been drifting on and off from a heavy sleep, nightmares probably tormenting him and not being able to wake up fully. I remember how that feels perfectly.

At some point, I move in to his bed to hug him through what I believe is a nerve shattering nightmare, since his entire body is shaking. He had spent two days in bed and I had been there all the time; my hair was messy, I had dark purple circles under my eyes and Sae kept coming to bring me something to eat. Haymitch had come by too, to make sure we were ok and report back to the doctor.

I'm acting a little overprotective, but I had been so scared when they had brought him back and my mother wasn't there to tell me what was really wrong, the doctor had said something but all I could understand then was he had passed out from an attack and had been hurt. I had never been strong to stay put when the sick had been brought in to lay on our kitchen table when we lived at the Seam, even a common flu could make me run to the meadow to hide while mother and Prim worked on the sick. Now I was acting more like one of those persons that would stay looking out for their loved ones.

When the doctor finally says Peeta is doing better and there are no apparent signs of serious damage, he is allowed to walk a little. Haymitch stays with him half the morning while I go to my house to get a shower and a change of clothes; when I'm back, it's snowing heavily and there is not much he can do except be indoors, so I suggest we work a bit on the book, it was a good distraction, but it had to wait a bit longer, since he falls sleep as soon as we seat on the couch.

I hear Sae coming in through the kitchen, so I try to get up without waking Peeta up, but as soon as the warmth of my body is gone he gets up.

"I'm sorry. I guess the sleeping syrup is still in my system"

"It's time to have some lunch. You want to go to the kitchen or you want to eat here?"

He gets up and takes my hand.

"We can go to the kitchen. I'm starving"

Our lunch is simple, I haven't been hunting lately and Peeta hasn't been able to make bread, but Sae manages to keep a good stew at hand. Living in times of need makes you practical and clever, you use what you have and make the best of it.

Sae puts us up to speed with the news of town. Delly is doing quite a good job at the bakery and people ask about Peeta, they are worried for his heath and the other baker is not as good as him. He jokes telling Sae the message is probably not in that order.

She informs us they announced more snowstorms, so people has started stocking up supplies just in case they get caught by the snow, a storm could last days and make it impossible to walk more than a few feet without running the risk of getting lost, so she brought us some things and Haymitch had gone to town to get the rest of our supplies

Sae leaves after a while and we get started on how Prim got Lady.

We settle down in the living room; I hand him the pages detailing the story while I go to get his sketch book, when I'm back I see him frowning as he reads

"You said back in the cave, you got the money to buy the goat from selling an old locket that belonged to your mother! I feel cheated Katniss, you owe me a story"

He had been dying from the infection on his leg and asked me for a story, I had lied trying to protect Gale, hunting was illegal and obtaining the money for the goat from selling a deer wasn't a good way to help those left home survive if I ended up dead in the Arena.

"I thought it was obvious Peeta, you had to be hallucinating to believe that was the truth"

He keeps staring at me.

"You owe me a story" he repeats with an indignant tone.

"What would you have me do Peeta?"

I regret the question the second I finish asking. I can see the glint in his eyes, playful and expectant.

"Tell me the story, the real one"

"Peeta be serious, you just read it, there's nothing else to tell"

I should have known better, there is no plausible argument to make him give up, so I sit on the couch and he comes to lay his head on my lap, his legs dangling from the side. I stroke his hair absentmindedly as I tell him the true story of how Gale and I came by the money to get Prim her goat.

By the time I'm done telling the story, he is sleeping peacefully again and I can't bring myself to wake him up, I'm mesmerized by his eyelashes, so blond and long, I used to wonder how he could blink without them tangling.

Back in the cave, we were joking about having a house in the Victor's Village, Peeta had said Haymitch would be our only neighbor, the image of the three of us having to live together had been funny; none of us ever imagined it would become real.

My mother kept calling every now and then, but she couldn't bring herself to come, so Peeta, Haymitch and me, we had become a dysfunctional family, but a family at last.

Our family dynamic was still rough and not well defined; but existed. Some days it was fluid, like being back on the train going around Panem where we knew our place and what was expect of us to perfection, other days we just didn't seem to fit with each other, so we go around on our own.

As Sae predicted earlier, the storm breaks an hour before sunset, inches of snow rising fast on the visible ground outside. Buttercup has found its way to Peeta's kitchen door and it's now cuddled in a ball by the fire, lifting his head every now and then if Peeta or I move.

Slowly I'm falling asleep an I think to myself I could get used to these kind of moments, where time seems to be holding still in a peaceful manner where all the sudden burdens that had been imposed were just a bad dream one could easily dismiss.

The sound of the phone wakes us in a startle, Peeta falls from the couch to the floor when I jump to get up, between the laughter and the confusion, I reach the phone.

The voice on the other side belongs to Delly Cartwright.

I give the phone to Peeta when I leave the room to freshen up.

Delly was sweet and nice and she had been there with Peeta, in District 13 when he had begun to recover his memories while I had ran out to lead the rebels against Capitol, hiding from Peeta and his accusing words. But I felt vexed by her constant presence now.

I was sure she hadn't told Peeta I had stopped by the bakery the morning after he had dragged me to bed drunk, and the only way she could have known about my drunken moment was if Peeta had told her, because she really didn't seem the kind of person that goes to Sae's business for lunch and Haymitch was certainly not her kind of crowd.

I want to ask him about her, I had been harboring some doubts about them and since we seemed to be in a good honesty streak, I make up my mind.

He is finished with the call and is getting a jacket from the closet

"What do you think you are doing?" I stand blocking the way out to the main door

"Delly said they are closing the bakery till the storm is down, people will be home at least two days. We need to go over to Haymitch's to get our supplies and make sure he is well stocked otherwise he'll have to come too"

"I'll go. You already had enough interaction with snow for what's left of the season"

We end up going together, we manage to come and go to Haymitch's house just fine. He had refused to come and assured us he could survive a stupid snow storm just fine, he didn't need help from anyone, let alone from two kids.

That was enough reassurance for us to head back to Peeta's house.

We are again sitting by the fire, Peeta is drawing and I'm reviewing a couple of things I wrote down a few days earlier, when I speak.

"I have a bone to pick with you"

"I'm drawing the goat already, I'm sorry I feel asleep"

"Well, that's one bone to pick, but I meant something else"

"Ok, then what's wrong?" he readjust his position to be able to look at me.

I feel color rising to my cheeks before I can utter the word.

"Delly"

"What about her?" he asks me taking his pencil back

"What's the deal with her?"

I think he would have had an outburst of laughter if it hadn't been for the stern look on my face, but seeing and knowing that I meant it, he had the good sense to contain himself and put the pencil back down.

"No deal there. I told, she came back a little after you had been sent here, she had been helping reorganize the district and when the bakery opened she helped me with it, so I wouldn't have to take care of everything on my own"

He waits for me to tell him something, anything, but I'm just staring at the wall.

"Do you know something I don't Katniss?"

"She likes you" I spat the words out; It feels like vinegar in my mouth. He wants to laugh, I can see it in his eyes, but contains it.

"Well, you said it yourself, I'm impossible to hate, so I guess that is the only option everyone has, Delly included"

He is trying to make light of it, but it's not helping me clench my queasy feelings. I'm not sure why Delly annoys me so much, is like a thorn in my side that stings every time she comes into the picture.

"Katniss?" his blue eyes are glued to me, he has a worried look on his face and he is frowning

"It's ok, forget it, I shouldn't have brought it up"

I get up thinking of going back to my house to have some time to sort out what was going on in my head, so many days in the same room with Peeta had me overthinking. Problem is I can't see past the porch.

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**Hey! Should I do a chapter from Peeta'S POV? I've been seriously considering it, but I don't if you would like it. Anyways, I'll sleep on it! Please review :) **


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey guys! Thanks again for reviewing, liking and making this a favorite fan fic! You guys are so awesome! All credits for THG belong to the one and only Suzanne Collins.**

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**Chapter 9**

I'm acting like an idiot, I'm well aware of it, but I can't stop. I do know why she is annoying me, but what right do I have to feel annoyed by her presence? None.

I switch to plan B. what is the nearest room that has a door that I can lock?

The studio is the only place I can think of and I can reach it fast enough to avoid the rain of questions approaching for sure. I launch myself up the stairs.

As soon as I close the door and turn on the lights, the paintings greet me, they cover the walls, the floors, they are piled one on top of the other; I can see some simple landscapes, others more complicated are scenes of things we have lived. There is a pile covered with a sheet, bright shiny colors on the edge, probably a flash, I'm going for a closer look, when I hear the soft knock on the door and his worried voice

"Katniss Can I come in?"

It's going to be impossible to avoid him for the next two days considering we can't get out of the house. So I unlock the door; He comes in looking cautiously at me, but I know he will not ask a single question and I'm grateful for it; Peeta never had it in him to force things out, he actually had such a sweet disposition that Haymitch had used him to save me, twice, and I had kept up the charade to save my loved ones.

Hadn't Snow been on the way, would I have chose Peeta? I had been well aware of his wonderings within the school, our common social circle and during the games I learned how perfectly well my body seemed to fit his whenever he would hug me and how safe I felt holding his hand.

I had no right to be mad about Delly, he probably was better off with her, but I kept holding a string of hope that maybe the boy with the bread could return to me, otherwise why would I have so desperately explained to him my last meeting with Gale. I had to make him see, I didn't choose Gale over him; I hadn't chosen anyone at all, except for Prim.

I was annoyed and there was no point in denying it, all I could do now was come up with an explanation for my outburst. I try to go around the subject, not lying exactly; it was more like telling him half the truth.

I made it look like I was mad at Delly for not telling him I had stopped by the bakery the morning after I had returned home half dragged by a drunken Haymitch.

"I went looking for you after Haymitch's white liquor was out of my system. She said you were busy and offered to tell you I had stopped by to talk to you, but you didn't came or called, if I hadn't found you in my kitchen the morning after, we probably wouldn't be working on the book or talking at all"

"Is that all? She not giving me a message?

"Yes" I say, not looking at him while thinking _NO, that's not it, its also about the way she looks at you, the way she talks to you, that people sees her with you all the time. Sweet Delly that looks just like you_; thinking about her, I can test the vinegar in my mouth

He is pondering my words and frowning. It was so weird to see him frown so often nowadays, Peeta was always in a merry mood, smiling and joking easily with people around him. I had the effect of make him frown.

"I know it was stupid of me to make such a big deal of it, I just wanted to get working on the book right away and I had so much to talk to you about. It upset me to think we wouldn't be working on any of this if I hadn't found you in the kitchen the morning after!"

"I don't think she meant to do any harm. I was quite upset when I got to the bakery that morning and may be she thought it was better to give me some time to calm down before I talked to you. She has known me forever; I think she may be the last person alive that knew me before the Hunger Games"

I knew that wasn't an overstatement, most people that had lived over the merchants side of the district had died the day of the bombing.

I sigh in defeat, if I push the subject any further the only outcome I can see is catastrophe, especially considering how sensitive I feel and how decidedly his making excuses for her.

I take a quick look around and pick the painting closest to me.

"How many paintings do you have in the room? It´s so crowded in here.

"I don't know, I paint almost every day and when I'm running out of space I put some away in the basement or the cellar"

He goes around the room showing me a few, the meadow in summer, the victor's tour banquet in district twelve; me in a blue dress that Cinna made it for the victor's tour in district four.

There's an easel holding a single painting that seems to command everything else inside the room, the warmth in the colors and the familiar scene seem to be calling for me and when I get to it, I can't help the wave of feelings drowning my mind.

It was us, on the roof of the training center, the one day Peeta asked to live in forever. I have my head on his lap, decorated with a crown of flowers, playing with some vines making knots.

I see two more behind the easel on the floor, me laughing as an apple falls from my grasp and both of us contemplating the sunset.

"When did you make this?" I stretch my fingers wanting to feel the warmth of the scene again on my skin.

"It was the first memory Dr. Aurelius helped me clear completely"

Horror, sadness, pain, all the emotions run through my heart at the same time; Snow had tampered his memories to break him and hurt me.

"What was the new memory like? What did they make you see? "

I can feel the tension in his voice, the worry that he might be scaring me with what his saying. He can't look at me as he speaks, only holds his hands with so much force, his knuckles turn white, by the time his finished explaining what the memory was like, his hands are hanging limp to the sides of his body. I slide my hand in to his, letting him know I'm there for him; that I'm not afraid.

We are broken and hurt; we could hardly be considered mentally stable on our own, but we had survived, together we had done it, and I intended to be there for Peeta, with or without a Delly on the way.

"Dr. Aurelius said I had been holding to the memory subconsciously and they broke it in to so many different scenarios. It took me days before I could piece it back, after that, I hanged to it whenever I felt an attack, but the new scenarios kept popping up and it was hard to tell apart the tampered memory from the real one, so I painted the real one, to remember"

"Why did you hold on to this memory?"

"It was the last time I could remember being happy. It was the day I would have lived in forever, remember? If I was going to die, that was the place I wanted to go to, to that day."

His voice is no more than a whisper at the end.

I can't stand in the studio anymore, so I pull his hand and lead us out of the room, with the lights off and the moonlight hitting the paintings, it looks like a graveyard.

I close the door behind us.

I wasn't going to leave Peeta; Capitol took him once and what came back was a broken body with no mind of his own, this boy who's hand I was holding, was the closest thing to the Peeta I lost in the beach and I was determined to protect him.

We are not really hungry, so a cup of tea suffices us both.

I can feel my body heavy as lead; I want to sleep, but I'm afraid that after all that we talked today my nightmares will come, stronger and more vivid than ever.

Peeta offers me his room and says he'll take the couch, but I lie to him and tell him I'm not tired.

"I'll stay writing down for the book, you can go to sleep"

He's too tired to argue, so he goes up the stairs, leaving me with a couple blankets and some more tea.

_I feel I'm floating, moving slowly, enveloped in a warm mist that smells like home. I can't see where I'm going but I feel safe. I hold on to the feeling, it makes me happy, like being in the woods on a summer day with my father. _

I open my eyes, blinking a few times as I adjust slowly to the light in the room. I'm not in the living room or on the couch; I'm in a bed with an arm filled with scars serving me as pillow. I know this is not a nightmare; my heart is beating so fast, it can't be a nightmare. I turn around and find myself looking at a still asleep Peeta Mellark.

I snuggle closer to him, and his arms hold me more tightly, feeling I want to be close even in his sleep.

I'll think of the consequences later, right now all I want, all my body craves is the closeness of him and I'm tired of refusing myself a ray of happiness. So, there will be plenty of time to sort my feelings, right now, I'm hoping the moment to last forever.

A cold breeze makes me look for the warm body next to mine, but there is none.

I seat at once scanning the room for him, but he isn't there.

My heart is racing, last time; I had found him in the kitchen while he had an attack.

I go down the stairs two at a time, but the smell of fresh bread receives me when I reach the bottom, so I slow down.

I walk in to the kitchen with a much more composed look. He is there with his white apron, hands covered in flour and with a white spot on his right cheek; cheese and cinnamon buns are already sitting on a dish over the table.

"Morning Katniss."

"Why didn't you wake me?" the words are muffled by the bun I'm eating already.

"Well, I came down cause I couldn't sleep and saw you totally out on the couch but the room was already cold, so, instead of making a racket to light back the fire, I moved you up the stairs. Besides, it's not the first time we share a bed, so I didn't thought you would mind."

"I don't, is just I don't want you tiring yourself more than necessary" I take him by the shoulders and force him to seat.

It's the first time we sat down to eat that we talk; not about the mundane stuff or things that are not important to us, today we talk about our memories, some small flashes Peeta had when early in the morning, like us waking up together in the train all the time.

I confess at once

"My nightmares were more bearable when you were by mi side"

He takes a mental note and we move on; we keep it simple and start talking about people we knew from school. The subject is somehow depressing, considering a vast majority is gone, but we manage to establish a common ground.

Neither of us is really interested in going to look out if the storm is dying out or not, we are too busy with our conversation and too comfortable with each other to care if there is a ten feet tall wall or just a thin blanket of powdery snow. We'll have time for the real world and what goes on in it later; for now, we are just enjoying the quiet isolation the storm gifted us with.

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**Please review! All suggestions are super welcomed and PLEASE let me know if you would like to get a Peeta POV at some point. See you all on chapter 10! Yayyy! :)**


	10. Chapter 9 Peeta's POV

**Hey guys! So I couldn't resist, this is Chapter 9 again, but from Peeta's POV It may not be as good, but it gives me a chance to introduce somethings for later! Again, THANK YOU all for reading! For the awesome reviews and for making this a favorite Fanfic! You are THE best :) As always, all credits for THG belong to the one and only Suzanne Collins.**

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**Chapter 9**

**Peeta's POV**

There is something she knows I don't. That's obvious. Her gaze is about to bore a hole in the wall.

"Katniss?" The second I open my mouth she jumps to her feet

"It's ok, forget it, I shouldn't have brought it up" She moves to the door, but changes her mind and launches for the stairs instead two seconds later.

I move slowly, feeling heavy, there were few things I had been able to preserve from my old life. Capitol trying to destroy the will of the rebels had erased out of the map district 12, the only thing that had been left standing was the victor's Village, so all I have to remember the past was what had been in my house.

She is now locked in a room where my memories are still images to contemplate, and I'm well aware some of them are not the type I want Katniss looking at. I knock on the door; not wanting to consider what might happen if she comes across those paintings

I usually burn those that are composed by the broken memories, but some are still in there, since I haven't been able to determine what the real memory was like.

She opens and stands in the middle of the room, arms crossed on her chest, she looks like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I don't want to step on her nerves anymore, so I just making sure she stays away from certain piles of paintings.

I hear what she is saying, but I can't help the feeling that there is a lot more hanging in the air than a simple slip to pass on a message.

"I went looking for you after Haymitch's white liquor was out of my system. She said you were busy and offered to tell you I had stopped by to talk to you, but you didn't came or called, if I hadn't found you in my kitchen the morning after, we probably wouldn't be working on the book or talking at all"

"Is that all? She not giving me a message?

"Yes"

Katniss had tried her best to explain to me what had happened to Gale, I knew him was a link to everything in her past, good and bad before the games, I had to include him in some of the pictures I had to make for the book. She still refused to talk to him, let alone call him or write for anything related to the book, but Delly was about the same to me, with the difference that I had not taken part in choosing her as the reminder of my life before the games, the bombing had left her and her brother along with a few merchants, alive. And I had no plausible reason to cut her out of my life. I didn't doubt her intentions, she had been there all the way in district 13 and she had become a part of my routine when I had come back here.

I can't understand the source of her anger, Delly is a friend and Katniss is family, to me things are very clear, so I do something that I'm not really proud of, but seeing the way things seem to be going, I have no other escape route. I play the guilty card.

"I don't think she meant to do any harm. I was quite upset when I got to the bakery that morning and maybe she thought it was better to give me some time to calm down before I talked to you. She has known me forever; I think she may be the last person alive that knew me before the Hunger Games"

It works and the conversation changes to my paintings.

I think is safe to show her some, the ones closer to the door, but her attention is caught by one picture on the other side of the room.

I know which one it is, I could close my eyes and replay the whole day from beginning to end without a flaw.

I remember Johanna had told me from her cell time after time, _"Hang on to her Peeta. Don't let them break you. They'll come. Sooner or later they'll come"_ I had listened to her, until I could no more.

She brings me back to the room asking about what had happened to the memory with the trackerjacker venom.

I don't want to talk about it, I had spent so much time detangling the images in my head to suppress the fear and the hatred I felt towards her for enjoying my pain and making me suffer in all the memories I could recall, but Dr. Aurelius had suggested I talked about those things; Dr. Aurelius said it was like a boiler, it could explode without an outlet.

I tell her what I can remember in a monotonous voice, holding my own hands; I had to anchor myself to reality. When I'm done I feel drained, terrified at my own memories, of my words, who in their right mind would want to be with a monster like me? But her small warm hand fills in mine and I remember what she said, what I had repeated in turn to her, it's what we do, we take care of each other.

I keep talking

"Dr. Aurelius said I had been holding to the memory subconsciously and they broke it in to so many different scenarios. It took me days before I could piece it back, after that, I hanged to it whenever I felt an attack, but the new scenarios kept popping up and it was hard to tell apart the tampered memory from the real one, so I painted the real one, to remember"

"Why did you hold on to this memory?"

Her question makes me feel goose bumps; my time in the Capitol had that effect every now and then. I have a hard time finding my voice to answer her.

"It was the last time I could remember being happy. It was the day I would have lived in forever, remember? If I was going to die, that was the place I wanted to go to, to that day."

After a moment that feels like an eternity, the pull of her hand leads me out of the room and I don't oppose.

A cup of tea occupies the last hour of our night; she is in distress and refuses to go to sleep. I want some time to think, so I don't oppose to what she wants to do.

As I leave the room, she takes a couple pages to start writing.

I change in to something more comfortable but once I'm in bed I fail miserably, I can't sleep

It had taken forever to be able to come to back to district 12. Dr. Aurelius had refused my request several times the reason was simple more than once I had woken up calling for her blood, other nights I would scream and cry asking them to let me go, I had to save her.

It hadn't been like back in district 13, where they kept me under tight observation locked up in a room. I could come and go without guards flanking me, they had installed a tracker on my arm, just like the one they used for the games and the floor where I was living in the training center was monitored all the time, but I had more freedom to come and go.

Johanna had come to see me, before leaving with a very pregnant Annie to district four. She looked a little less beaten by our time in the Capitol but kept her acid mood just fine and her muscles flexed every now and then, victor survival instinct she calls it.

Her visit had been short but straight to the point. Her parting words had been the same from our days locked up.

_"Hang on to her Peeta, they can't win us out"_

No one had failed to tell me how important Katniss had been to me, even Prim before I left district 13 had come to tell me how grateful she was I had taken care of her sister and she wished I could get well, I had of course been hostile to her, anything related to Katniss at the beginning had been a trigger.

I had planted those Primroses not just for Katniss; it was also a late thank you from me to Prim

My head is killing me, so I give up and go down the stairs; the living room is cold; the only light is a lamp by the couch. She is there, sleeping, tangled in the blankets, looking a little uncomfortable.

I call to her, but there is no response, she's not having a nightmare, but I can't leave her there, the room is cold and her hands are icy.

I pick her up, she is light as a feather, she has been eating and getting better, but she is still skin and bones, beautiful skin and bones.

I put her down softly, she sort of opens her eyes but drifts back, but not before she takes hold of my hand, I try to get it out of her grasp, but it's impossible, so I do the only thing I can; I lay down next to her.

The feeling of being like this with her is so familiar I can't help the smile; I had begged Dr. Aurelius for weeks to let me go, I had waited months just to see her and now, I had her here with me. Happiness envelops me fast and I feel all the weight of my sleepless nights rushing in, she is safe in my arms, I have nothing to worry about tonight.

I feel her moving closer to me and I open my arms to let her be as close as possible, wanting to keep her safe against everything.

I don't know how long have I slept but the feeling of happiness is still there, feed by her rhythmical breathing I keep admiring her, her collar bone is still showing greatly and her face looks thin, but it doesn't matter, she looked perfect to me.

I move out of bed, making sure the blankets cover her fully before I go down to the kitchen to make us breakfast.

The sun is barely rising and I feel as the old routine comes back to me, I take my time to make her cheese buns and some hot chocolate. I've been a while in the kitchen when I hear the racket of her coming down the stairs, she was surprisingly loud for someone so thin and with so many years of experience hunting, but when she enters the kitchen, she does it quietly

"Morning Katniss."

"Why didn't you wake me?" her words are muffled by the bun she just picked from the dish on the counter

"Well, I came down cause I couldn't sleep and saw you totally out on the couch but the room was already cold, so, instead of making a racket to light back the fire, I moved you up the stairs. Besides, it's not the first time we share a bed, so I didn't thought you would mind."

"I don't, is just I don't want you tiring yourself more than necessary" she tells me, taking me by the shoulders forcing me on the chair closer to the counter.

While we are having breakfast I feel like I've been doing this with her all my life, it feels right. Being at ease with her right now, I decided to ask her about why we started to spend night together. I could recall several times, in the train, at the training center and of course at the cave, but the only ones that really made sense had been the times at the cave; having to share the sleeping bag and me being sick, it had made sense, but what about the rest.

She answers me right away

"My nightmares were more bearable when you were by mi side"

I remember the day she killed Coin, seeing the guards take her had made me fight with all I had, I couldn't let her go with them, I would never see her again, I had to reach her but instead I had failed, like in all of my nightmares and I had felt an all-consuming despair.

I tell her about another memory I had and we start talking about school, whenever we mention someone who has died, it's sad, but we don't linger on them too much.

By what I can see through the window, the snowstorm is softer, but I dismiss it from my thoughts as she talks, let the snow keep falling; I'm busy reconstructing my life and enjoying the process.

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**Special thanks Kayla for the little push I was missing to write this one! And super special thanks to you all for reading, reviewing and making this a favorite! Hopefully I'll have chapter 10 up tomorrow night!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey guys! Thanks again and again and again for reviewing, liking and making this a favorite fan fic! I love knowing there is people enjoying this as much as I do :) ! All credits for THG belong to the one and only Suzanne Collins.**

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**Chapter 10**

Between a sick Peeta, the snow storm and the time that it took to clear the way to the victor's village, we had spent more than week together; which meant establishing a new routine; the real not real game had been a constant, working on the book was part of the routine as well and he even attempted to teach me how to bake, that had been a complete disaster, so we decided that for our own good the kitchen would be exclusively Peeta's business.

The only one interrupting our peace had been Dr. Aurelius, who after calling several times to my phone had given up and called Peeta.

After Peeta had explained the situation; that we are both stuck in Peeta's house due to the storm, he talked a while with me, congratulating me on the advance of the book and the progress I had made in my recovery. His conversation with Peeta had taken longer, but I couldn't say if it had been all good or half and half, his expression gave nothing away as he spoke about the attack and the injuries that it had produced. Their conversation had been at least two hours long.

I had considered calling Dr. Aurelius when Peeta started having the attacks, it was the obvious course of action, but I was afraid it would mean an order to take Peeta back to Capitol, but keeping what had happened hushed had been impossible, the Dr. from District 12 had reported to Dr. Aurelius back in Capitol.

Snitch

Our sleeping arrangement had been pretty much like back in the train, and having him close felt good, I missed human contact, but mostly I missed him. Now being back on my own after that idyllic break of the world with Peeta, had made me feel my house was twice as big and incredibly empty, but he had promised to come by every day after the bakery; today he would help me seal the pages that were ready, he had a better hold of the technique than me.

I had decided to leave the Delly issue a side for the time being, Haymitch, may be due to the lack of white liquor or the isolation, who knows, had decided to come and pitch in with the book. Being a victor he had twenty three years of tributes to add, not to mention a lot of little things about Finnick, Mags, Chaff and so many others that had been sacrificed by Capitol trying to subdue the will of the districts and after, the will of the rebels.

I had felt sick when we started writing about Madge's aunt, who had been a tribute at the same time as Haymitch and had been the previous owner of the infamous symbol of the revolution, my mockingjay pin.

I make a mental note to ask my mother for more information about her, they had been friends, even when I know her past, the life she had before my father, was a subject she seldom spoke of, maybe she would make an exception this time.

The heaps of mail I had put in the studio the day the parchment arrived had ended in the trash after sorting them out, I only kept a few things I really wanted, a picture of Annie's baby, he has the same eyes as Finnick; I'm sure this kid, will be a heart breaker someday, just like his dad.

There is also a mid-size box that contains several sketching books with leather covers. A note inside tells me they are from Octavia, this were the books Cinna had been making for my talent, and she thought it was only right I had them in my power, since Cinna had meant to give them to me. The letter also mentions some clothes that are stored in Capitol, if I want them she will make the necessary arrangements to have them shipped and delivered as soon as possible.

I feel sad at the thought of him being gone, I miss him dearly; he had been a friend among all the horrors I had found in Capitol. I put the books aside remembering how Cinna had teased me, saying I aspired to be like him, my fashion hero.

There's an invitation to go to a recognition ceremony for the fallen on the battles to free the Districts, the letter was written in a very official manner, it felt like a cold calculated order from the new government, but I have no intention of going, if they want me there, they'll have to drag me as a corpse back to Capitol. There is another letter from the government, straight from the desk of the head of the "Department of Communications"

Plutarch Heavensbee wanted to come and make a documentary about the life of the mockingjay after the war with the intention to show Panem that their precious symbol of revolution had once again, risen from the ashes, indestructible and beautiful as always, but I could read between the lines, what he wanted was to show what had become of the girl that, after leading a revolution, had murdered with a single arrow, the president of the new government, and I have no interest in bearing my life once more to all of Panem, all I wanted was to live in my happy routine.

Feeling hungry and alone in my house, I grab a coat and my snow boots to head to town, I'll eat at Sae's and perhaps I can get Peeta to come along for lunch, with that in mind I start walking a little bit faster. However, my plans are ruined by the delivery train, he was at the station, helping load the trucks for the bakery, so I headed over the station. I am hungry, but I want to see Peeta.

There's at least a dozen girls looking at a group working on the loading line and I can't help but look as well. I have shared a bed with him, I have seen him at his worst and I had seen him in flames, but now as he is lifting bags and boxes around and the contour his torso is easy to guess through the fabric of his shirt damped in sweat, a strange notion creeps in, who I was looking at was no longer a boy, it was a man.

I finally make it to where he is and manage to catch his attention, is so crowded and noisy it's impossible to talk, so he signals me to wait; a few minutes later someone else comes and replaces him in the loading line. He takes me to the side, holding my hand as we walk the short distance his breathing is agitated by the effort he has been doing, but my heart is the one beating like if I had run a mile in the woods.

"How much longer do you have to be here?"

"I don't know, many of the workers that usually take care of this things are sick, a flu or something and the bakery is running low on supplies, so I came to help"

I'm a little disappointed my efforts to spend the afternoon with Peeta are sunk by this, but he tells me to come by the bakery later, so we can go home together, with that said, he gives me a quick kiss on the cheek and goes back to helping.

I can feel the glares on my back.

My lunch is pretty much uneventful, Sae asks when am I planning to go back hunting, she could use some fresh kill; the meat from the butcher is good, but not as fresh as what I usually bring.

I go wondering around after lunch, the new stores and faces make me feel a little out of place and I keep feeling the stares from strangers, being the mockingjay had meant everyone knowing my face, for better or worse.

Some people I was sure blamed me for deaths and destructions I wasn't even aware of, others were grateful their children would naver have to go to the Arena to be killed. Things had improved for most, but not to all.

The official letter I had found in my stuff reminded me a year had almost come and gone. There was still a general discomfort with the new government, the common argument had been, with Capitol we knew what to expect, but now, who and how do they decide for all? The years of resentment against districts one and two wasn't easy to overlook and some even suggested erasing Capitol of the map. President Paylor didn't have an easy job at hand, but she was navigating so far with good wind.

I feel the snow getting in touch with my skin through the rim of my coat as the snowball collides with my back and the ring of his laughter sounds a few meters away.

"What the..."

I take advantage that he's laughing still to hit him back, I connect the snowball with his chest. We go on like that for five minutes before a tree branch loaded with snow dumps on him.

"You win" he calls getting snow out of his hair "I'm freezing"

"The tree wins, not me" I say laughing and going closer to him.

"What were you thinking? I had been calling at you and you didn't even turn to look!"

"So you had to use a snowball?"

"Well, it seemed a good idea right then."

We are entering the road to the Victors Village, when he asks again; changing the subject from our sad attempt to have a snowball fight to what was I thinking

I bite the inside of my cheek, I'm nervous.

"Nothing much. I sorted my mail today and I received a few things I didn't expect."

I have been avoiding telling him full truths lately, last time things hadn't gone all to well and I didn't want a fight with him; so I told him what I thought explained best the situation and left it at that. But silly me, he had received the letter too.

"I thought it had something to do with the request to participate of the homage to the fallen. They sent me a letter about it last week"

"Hmmm... maybe I have one too, I didn't see it" I lie to him face front "however I got a letter from Plutarch, asking for an interview" I hope he makes a joke about my inability to stand in front of a camera crew but I don't succeed, and he goes on with the subject.

"You know, I was thinking of going"

I feel the blood freeze in my veins.

"I have to meet Dr. Aurelius anyway."

I don't answer him at all; I keep walking trying to focus in not falling flat to the ground. The blow had been so unexpected I was in shock. I hated Capitol. And him, he should hate it too, after all they did to him, how could he even consider going? It was crazy.

I had literally lost my mind when I had realized he was in Snow's hands, too far from my reach to put an end to his life before they could hurt him. They had broken his body, his mind; they had let him live being a mutt version of himself. A medical team had spent hours helping him; he had been back to torture, to the arena, to all the horrible things that had happened every time he looked at me.

It had taken forever to get him back from the clutches of Capitol and he had in mind going there, willingly.

I'm well aware of how different the situation is now, but I can't help the fear I feel, the anger rising in my chest. I want to shake him until he is back to his senses. He can't go, and yet, I know I can say no and try to lock him up and it will do no good. If he wants to go, he will go, it is his decision.

When he comes back down the stairs, wearing dry clothes and his wet hair sticking in funny ways, I feel the full blow of the pieces coming together, all my confusion, all the fears I felt, had a simple explanation.

Peeta had been the reason why I survived when all was lost. The same despair I had felt as kid looking for food when he had given me the bread, I had felt after Prim died, but nothing could get me through this time, or so I thought.

I had been forced back to twelve and had to find reason to live; and the reason had planted primroses by the side of my house, had come back for me because I was all the family he had left, my reason was considering going back to the place that had snatched him away from me in the first place.

I was mad at Delly not because she liked Peeta, but because I did.

I was afraid of him going to Capitol because I loved him, not as a part of my dysfunctional family, but as the man I knew he was.

The blow came from nowhere; I was honestly in love with Peeta Mellark.

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**Please, please, Please review! All suggestions are super welcomed. And thanks again for being AWESOME readers. I couldn't ask for more :)**


	12. Chapter 12

**In my defense, my laptop decided to die on me :( and took all the info!**  
**Thankfully my brother managed to get the info out, to an external harddrive and voila! here it is! back from the clutches of my dead laptop hard drive, Chapter 11! THG belong to Mrs. Suzanne Collins!**

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**Chapter 11**

He comes down completely unaware of how I feel or what is going on in my mind.

"I just need to get a couple supplies and we are good to go"

While we cover the short distance to my house I can feel the confusion making a riot in me, growing with every passing second.

A voice in the back of my mind is echoing loudly

_Loving someone and being loved by someone are two very different things_.

Questions start popping out in my mind, What if he doesn't love me anymore, or the same way? What if he wants something I can't give him, love; the kind my parents had shared demanded everything, sacrifice, commitment, but it also could take everything away when it was over, my mother had been a clear example of the destruction love could leave behind. Was I ready for that kind of love? Prim had already left a huge hole in my life, but the love I felt for her couldn't be compared with what I believed I was feeling for Peeta.

Once we get to my house, we get started sealing the pages, but after a while he gently suggests I make us some tea and he will go on with the work, since being so aware of my feelings wasn't helping me do the work at all and the integrity of the pages was about to suffer a terrible fortune unless he took control. I guess silent disappointment was how he felt when I told him he was too noisy to hunt with me, because I was feeling like that.

Alone in the kitchen I have a chance to put my head and feelings in order, maybe I was over reacting and love was too big a word to describe my present situation.

Gale had said I would choose whoever I needed, not who I loved, and I couldn't help wondering if may be he had been right and I had deluded myself in to believing I loved Peeta because I needed him as a reason to go on? Or my feelings were real? Finnick had been sure of my feelings for Peeta when his heart stopped for a minute, Snow too had been sure of how I felt so he used Peeta to destroy me.

I finish making the tea without being so sure anymore of my feelings, I did knew however that I liked Peeta enough to be annoyed by Delly and strongly enough to be afraid of him going away to Capitol.

I find myself drawn by his expression, concentration plain on his face, his fingers moving quickly around, doing a job I'm too clumsy to manage. I try to keep a normal conversation flow with him, laughing at his jokes and asking questions about the things that seem new, some I ask twice, giving away my distraction and lack of true interest in the subjects, but I suspect he follows my game for my sake. Eventually the work is done and he leaves after dinner since he wants to paint, but promises to be back early tomorrow for breakfast.

I know I should have asked him to stay, nightmares tonight will be a particularly strained thing, but I need to talk to someone before the weight of my doubts and feelings crush me. I had never been good with all this stuff, other girls my age knew how to be charming and could tell when a boy liked them, I had been gifted with a discreet personality and very few friends, what usually made me feel socially excluded, but it had been ok to keep Prim and myself safe while we managed to survive.

I cross quietly over to Haymitch's house, hoping he will be sober enough to listen and may be give me one of his _stay alive,_ kind of advice. I open the door slowly, calling as I go in and holding my breath to avoid the first punch of the smell. He is there, sitting on his couch, watching the TV, some images are flashing on the screen, but I don't pay attention to it.

"Hello sweetheart"

He sounds tired and old, may be the years and his drinking were finally charging him with all the due accounts, or perhaps retelling his past for the sake of the book had been too much. He had drank his life away literally, to avoid the memories, and he had to recount and face them one by one, to put the past tributes and his Victor friends in the book. That couldn't be easy.

I take a seat by the fire and start on some polite conversation, thanking him for helping with the book, asking how he has been, but he cuts me.

"If you want to fake interest, you'll have try harder sweetheart, because let's face it, it's really not your thing. So tell me what you really want or leave me alone"

There was the old Haymitch talking and somehow the familiarity of his rudeness makes me feel more at ease to talk, though I'm not sure of how to express my doubts, so I start talking about what made me realize something had changed. I tell him about the letter, about my fears of going myself and letting Peeta go and his announcement of a pending appointment with Dr. Aurelius and the chance that he isn't allowed back to District 12 if he goes.

He lets me talk until all is out of my system, I don't have an answer to my confusion yet, but I feel lighter. He takes two fingers to his eyes, rubbing them tiredly before answering,

"You kids don't get tired of doing this, do you? Pestering me with you puppy-love problems; first the boy wanting to find a way to save you all the time, even of himself and now you, this doesn't look like your thing, but what do I know?"

He looks at me, his eyes charged with a feeling I can't decipher.

"Hasn't it occurred to you, in that little unstable mind of yours that maybe he's going because of you, not to get away from you but to be able to stay with you?"

"Did he tell something to you?"

"Said something? I'm going with him; he would have dragged me unconscious if necessary."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"He asked me not to in the first place and I own the kid that much, don't worry sweetheart, I'll make sure he comes back ok, unless you want to go and stick this time around while he gets better"

Haymitch had hit a nerve; I had run from District 13 the minute Peeta had shown the effects of his confinement in Capitol, I had jumped to attack every time the tampered version of him had spoken to me. Haymitch had to remind me, that if roles were reversed, Peeta wouldn't have acted the way I was, he would have gone above and beyond to make sure the real me came back, and I had even assured my team I would kill him, since that wasn't Peeta just a mutt version of him; so much for my plan to save him when I was the first one willing to pull a trigger.

However, what Haymitch just said makes sense knowing Peeta. Going to Capitol could mean, maybe, putting an end to his flashes, they had almost stopped completely, if that was a remote possibility it didn't matter, he would go and try. But it was the implicit main reason Haymitch was pointing out what gave me a little hope. He was going for me, to find a way to fix what was broken and be with me, but I need to be sure, I need more than a simple theory to let myself hope he still feels for me the same

I exit Haymitch's house with more questions than answers, my feelings still tangled and guilt flourishing at the memories of my actions, wondering if I should or not offer Peeta to go with him to Capitol, if I go and I get in the way of his recovery he would have to stay there longer, If I don't go and something happens, I won't be able to live with myself knowing I have failed him twice.

The nightmares begin again, no longer graves and ashes raining down on me, but fire burning everything and everyone. I run trying to save them, I can't see their faces, but I need to save them. All of them burn, I can hear their cries, the agony, but I can't save them. I wake up suffocated by the smoke and the smell of burning flesh.

Is the same one for days and the toll that is taking on me is starting to show, to the point Peeta asks me one morning what is wrong with me, I tell him plain and simple that is just my nightmares and I leave out the part of trying to figure out if what I feel for him and if he still feels the same way about me.

Again the nightmare begins, the smell and the cries wake me constantly and I give up after the third time I've woken up. I take a post by my window, looking out; waiting for the moment the light in his kitchen fills in the darkness and tells me he is awake.

I'm trapped in a crossroad, I've been trying to gather the courage to go with him to Capitol for weeks, but the apprehension in my heart trumps every time. I had lost everything I loved to Capitol and I fear more than I care to admit losing him as well, even if it wasn't love, the fear was very real.

The light finally comes on and I pull myself together to go see him, since Sae is sick, we decide to establish a new routine, I go to Peeta's for breakfast, help him with a few things not kitchen related and walk with him to town, before I take off to the woods to try to hunt.

On my way to his house I can see the spring starting to show its face, the patch of primroses has some dandelions sticking out but the air is still cold, so with my hands in my pockets I walk fast to his kitchen door and let myself in to his home. His was a home, every time I came in there was a familiar feeling, something cooking on the stove, fire burning in the heart and him, with his sweet smile and quick words to make me feel at ease. All could be gone by the end of the week unless I could muster the courage to go with him or make him stay here with me.

A cup of tea is on the table and he has his hands on the dough already. I thought I was the only one having issues sleeping but can see he hasn't been sleeping much.

"Katniss, we sleep through the night when we sleep together, real or not real?"

"Peeta, we have been over this before. Real, my nightmares are easier to handle when you are there, and you said your nightmares are less frightening when you realize I'm there. Why are you asking again?"

"Lately my nightmares are getting worse; I can't tell what's real for a while after I wake up. I've been painting a lot lately"

"When was the last time you slept well? I ask him, straight to the point

"The snow storm" He answers immediately

"Would it help to go back to the arrangement of the snow storm then?" I ask, before I realize what I'm doing.

"You don't have to do it Katniss"

"But it is what we do, we take care of each other'

That excuse had become some sort of argument breaker, whenever one of us was losing in a discussion it was the card under the sleeve. He considers for a moment the argument, but he tells me no.

"I could hurt you Katniss, is too risky"

My conversation with Haymitch the last night rushes in with his words and a bell starts ringing in my mind. He was still afraid of hurting me so he was going to do what he could to ensure my safety, going to Capitol included. My doubts start to flow, trying to drown me but my body craves being close to him and the memory of how the world melted around when I was safely enveloped in his embrace pulls me out of the water.

I'm tired of wasting precious time and choosing fears over what I know I want the most, in that moment of perfect determination, I get up from the chair and go to him, holding his face between my hands I stare down at his perfect blue eyes, our faces inches from each other.

"Stay with me Peeta" I whisper the words softly, like plea, he sighs answering back

"Always"

Before I know it, we are both closing the distance between our lips, the kiss is soft filled with tenderness, both of us afraid to scare the other, but as the seconds pass the intensity grows and his arms encircle me while I run my hands through his blonde hair.

I had kissed him a million times for the cameras, the games, trying to convince the Panmen that all of them were real. Here in the privacy of his kitchen with his arms around my waist it felt real, the way a first kiss should feel.

He breaks the kiss but doesn't move away, his forehead resting on mine, I don't want to open my eyes afraid that if I do, a nightmare will come sweeping the hope I feel, but his voice confirms I'm not about to lose him to the flames.

"Always" he repeats

We stand there, my skin drinking his touch and my lips wanting more, is not the hunger I felt in the cave or the beach, but is enough to make me want to stand in his kitchen for as long as we can, but the small cloud of smoke and the penetrating smell of something burning makes him break our embrace, he turns his attention to the oven and after a few minutes I hear the laughs, the bread has charred edges

"Why do you always make me burn bread?"

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**Thank you guys for being so incredibly awesome! I'm so happy there is people enjoying this :) dandelionspring you made me cry, literally! and I hope I'll keep up the good work all the way to the end! THANK YOU AGAIN! I love you guys! **


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey guys! I know it's been forever! but my laptop is running smoothly now (YEYYY) and I came home straight to finish this chapter. I'm not sure if I'm all too happy with it, but well, here we go. THANK YOU for being so patient with me! As always, reviews, critiques and suggestions are welcomed!  
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**Chapter 12**

I laugh along with him; it's impossible to ignore so much happiness, the kiss had ignited a flame that was rushing through me opening a path of hope; hope that for once I'm sure won't fade away when I'm not looking.

He is about to throw the bread in the trash and I jump to stop him

"Wait! You can't throw it away"

"We can make more, there is no need to eat this one; it will taste like coal"

I don't pay attention to him and grab the knife from the counter; I can remember Prim's face when I had brought the bread that had cost Peeta a slap and a black eye. Even then he was looking after me. I cut the dark edges and the exposed inside is hot and soft; I make the slices thick and lay them down on a plate. I turn with a triumphant smile and I'm rewarded with a quick kiss.

Our breakfast is a clumsy affair, but I'm enjoying every minute of it, somehow under the rubble of our broken selves there is enough left to make us feel whole again. I couldn't help thinking that burned bread from his hands had saved my life once and now it had become an omen of hope; Peeta had always found a way to help me live.

On our way to the bakery I finally get him to agree; we will sleep together a couple of nights, if all goes well we will argue further, but for now, we both could use a good night of sleep

I feel my rigid muscles loosen up as I walk through the meadow that melts with the woods and the woods embrace the meadow pass the fence; winter with its constant blankets of snow had given the woods a chance to recover and it had flourished back. My ears start picking up the sounds around me, my hands itch for the bow; slowly instinct takes over.

I find the circuit of snares Gale and I had established so long ago, some of them are still there; Gale had always known what he was doing. There is no real need for the snares or the hunting anymore; twice a victor and the symbol of revolution had ensured me comfortable living, but Sae could use the meat and it gave me something to do, so I decide to fix the ones I find on my way.

I hadn't thought about Gale for a while, he had been on TV often, favoring President Paylor's Government, talking about an advance in communications and new forms of energy, usually I didn't understand half of the stuff he talked about, but it's impossible to ignore him when he talks, the military manner he had acquired in District 13 stuck with him. The route of the snares ends on the rock I used to share with Gale as meeting point, moss covers it now and flowers grow around the base, even here, life has found a way to go on after all this time.

A bush moves a few feet away and like a mechanical response to the noise, my hands do what they know best, the arrow hits the rabbit in the eye; one hour later another rabbit, two squirrels and a wild turkey add to the spoils of the first spring hunt of spring

My parting words with Gale had been final; we both knew it; doubt would never leave me and loosing Prim had meant losing everything I had fought for. My life, the one Gale had been part of was over for good; he had been clear when he cut all his ties with me and District 12 and in over a year, not even once had he tried to come back.

He had moved on and I was starting to do the same, healing my wounds and covering the cracks.

My thoughts jump from Gale to Paylor. I had met her during the revolution, trying to take down a mountain when I had gotten a glimpse of how much Gale hated Capitol. Paylor had always been on my side and just like Boggs; she had seen through Coin's intentions and had never taken orders without questioning the motives. She had given me a chance alone with President Snow before I executed Coin instead of him. I could have disregarded Paylor, but I owed her being alive, to the same extent I owed Dr. Aurelius, Haymitch and Peeta; she had made sure I had a fair trial and had put me out of the spotlight at the first available chance.

The road back takes me a little longer than planned thanks to a pack of wild dogs that force me up a tree but I manage to reach the place where the fence used to be with enough time to go to the butcher's to clean the kill and find Peeta before he leaves the bakery for the day.

I'm covered in dirt and grime from my hunt in the woods, but the way he smiles when he sees me tells me he is obviating my current state

"I thought you had headed back already"

"No, just a close encounter with some wild dogs"

He frowns at my smile while I tell him about it, but his eyes are amused and forgiveness for my reckless behavior comes with a soft kiss. My feelings were still tangled but kissing him no longer felt like a mandatory rehearsal for the rest of my life.

He is still reluctant to let me stay the night but he knows better than trying to make me change my mind, so he goes to his home to make dinner while I take a shower and pick some things to carry from my house to his. I didn't want to mix my new found happiness with the ghosts and the graveyard of memories that haunted my house.

We have a quiet dinner compared to the rest of the day, talking about less important things, not wanting to break the sweet atmosphere.

He shows me the finished pages of the book after dinner; along with pictures and small tokens his drawings illustrate what was missing. I feel the tears wanting to flow when I realize half the work is done by now and the happy faces greeting me from the pages are a true tribute to those we lost. He takes advantage of my moment of distraction and tries, one last time, to make me change my mind offering me his room while he takes the couch.

I put the pages away and stand in front of him with my arms crossed

"Tell me where you are going to sleep, because I'll sleep there too, so it better be comfortable or it's going to be a very long night"

The first nights I wake up a couple of times agitated trying to run from the mutts chasing me in the woods but he is there to calm me down until I go back to sleep. The smell of spices was impregnated on his hair and his skin and filled the air, not marking the beginning of a nightmare but a safe place to be.

Sleeping with Peeta had been a way to ease my fears and a luxury I had given up because of Gale; but Capitol and the threats that hanged over our heads had brought us back together and apart again, we had been going in circles for too long.

After a particularly frightening nightmare, he cuddles me gently in his arms and I feel his hands running through my hair trying to calm me down, but the nightmare had been too real and the last thing I wanted was to close my eyes.

"Would it help if you tell me about it?"

I shake my head and burry further in his arms, wanting to hide behind his skin. Morning light catches me awake still.

Like the tall trees that need more than the ground to live, I needed more to live than just being alive, I needed reasons. Prim had always been my reason to fight, and on the way I found other reasons, like Rue's death, the horrors of the Arena, the pain and suffering of my loved ones they added to the fire and every blow the Capitol gave to subdue the flames did nothing, but make it burn more fiercely.

The world had burn to the ground and I had burned with it. Prim had died, my mother and Gale had left me; Capitol had stolen Peeta. After the smoke had cleared, District 12 had become a glass box for the corpse I had become.

His return had snapped me out of it and I slowly nourished back to life. He had found his way through the maze of tampered memories and chipped pieces that Capitol had left him with and the road had brought him here, back to the beginning of the circle.

After a couple more days we both seem to benefit from our new sleeping arrangement, to the point where Peeta decides to stop arguing that it's not a good idea.

My strength slowly returns as I spent more and more time in the woods; my body welcomes the exercise and I get a chance to use my father's bow, however my head is elsewhere and I end up spending hours in the woods hunting without hitting a single prey.

I need to sum up the courage to go with Peeta to Capitol.

He hadn't mentioned his pending appointment with Dr. Aurelius, but I knew it was coming. I had put off making a decision for too long and now time was of essence if I wanted to be there for Peeta.

I weight my options, facing Plutarch and his camera crew could be excruciating and I really didn't look forward to being on the spot light after all Paylor had done to take me out of it, but I could survive it, but going to Capitol also meant facing Prim's death and I wasn't so sure I would be ever strong enough for that. I had spent most of my time remembering and writing about her and woken up weak and broken when the weight of her absence was too much to bear.

I hear her sweet voice in my head, all the things that had befallen her had made her grow too fast; she had known, without anyone telling her a thing, that Snow wouldn't kill Peeta, but do whatever it took to break me, she had become a healer like mother and her passion had made all my efforts to keep her safe futile.

A soft rain starts falling, forcing me to look for shelter, but the trees are too bare still to provide much cover, so I just start running back. I reach Sae's business almost breathless and soaking wet, I give her the two rabbits I caught with the snares and leave before she can complain about the amount of meat.

I rush out again through the muddy streets to the bakery, I let myself in like I had done a million times before and the bell gives me away to the costumers and Delly that waves politely from behind the counter, I return the wave and hurry behind the door to the back of the bakery.

"What happened to you?"

He had said in the cave, he had heard me sing and had known he was a goner, but his voice sounded to me as the most perfect thing in the world, mockingjays singing back a summer tune. I had lost him too many times and whether I could or not sum up the courage to face Prim's death, Peeta was worth the wreck of feelings I was about to face.

I hug him as strong as my body lets me, he returns back the hug.

"What's gotten into you Katniss?"

"I'll go with you"

"Where to?"

"Capitol, you are not leaving me here and I'm not letting you go on your own. Every time we get separated bad things happen Peeta"

He kisses the top of my head and pulls out of the embrace

"Let's get you home, you need to change"

We reach victor's village but something is out of place in my house, there is smoke coming out of the chimney and there is light in the living room, Peeta looks at me wondering if I know what is going on, but my eyes tell him I know the same as him. Absolutely nothing.

We go in and the voices in the kitchen tell me Haymitch is there, the other one I can't place it, but when I catch a glimpse of Haymitch's face and he locks eyes with me I know he would be grateful if I put one of my arrows through his heart, two steps more reveal the figure sitting across from him.

Plutarch Heavensbee

He greets us happily and Haymitch limits to grunt in response, Peeta stammer a hello and I'm just speechless. Plutarch here means the choice hadn't been mine at all, but at least I had made my decision before this and I had no doubts, I knew where my loyalties were.

"Katniss! Peeta! How wonderful to see you both! Your faces belong in television not to this abandoned side of Panem! We are ready to have you both back the second you step in Capitol."

He keeps talking, informing us they are shooting around District 12 to show how people had returned and rebuild their lives here, how life had manage to surface from the ashes of war, the same way all Panem should.

"It would be so great if we could get some footage of the two of you. You did receive the letter we sent you about doing a show of the mockingjay after war, right? We could get started with this! Oh, just imagine how great it could be, opening the show at the memorial ceremony with the two of you showing Panem life after the revolution"

He's already making plans of the locations and what has to be done when Haymitch cuts him off, I give him a grateful look, Haymitch could act whatever way he wanted but when it really mattered he was there.

"Quit Heavensbee, what you are talking about won't happen. Sweetheart here was banned from the public eye by the President herself."

Plutarch seems to have found a pebble in his shoe, but he knows he can get rid of it easily.

"That won't be a problem, the President is looking forward to having everyone collaborate and I'm sure Katniss and Peeta will be more than glad to lend us a hand" The tone of authority in his voice does not go unnoticed, so we keep silent and listen, we don't agree or oppose to his suggestions, we just listen.

The conversation goes on for another ten minutes before he has to go to the new mayor's house dragging Haymitch along the way, to go over the details of the first interview.

We are sitting alone in my kitchen, still too surprised to digest what just happened. I can see his hands shaking a little and the frown on his face but he soon relaxes and assures me he is ok before reminding me I'm going to catch a cold soon.

I run up the stairs to get a change of clothes and leave but when I'm ready and almost crossing the kitchen door threshold I notice Peeta hasn't moved from the table, he is sitting there staring at his cup of tea

"Peeta?" He never lifts his eyes from the tea cup

"We didn't meet after the games were over; we had to wait until the interview. Real or not real?"

His expression is blank waiting for an answer to give him the missing piece of that puzzle.

"Real. Haymitch said they did it to see if what we had done in the Arena had been an act of rebellion or one moved by our mutual feelings"

He nods, after a few seconds putting his thoughts in order he offers me his hand to go; the short distance that separates our houses is enough for him to recompose his happy self.

"I'm afraid of meeting Cesar Flickerman for the interviews"

"Why?" I ask him curiously, trying to figure how Cesar could be frightening to anyone.

"His face must be showing his real age by now"

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**Thank you guys for reading! For the reviews and the likes! You guys ROCK! :) Duckman12, I hope this one has better grammar, I swear I put my mind to it! :)**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey! it's been forever and I can only say I'm sorry, I'm on vacation :) and well, I gave up internet for a couple of weeks, I'm in Germany till set. 7, so I'll try to publish at least one more chapter before that date. If not, 10 hours in a plane should do wonders when it comes to writing time :) THG belong to Mrs Suzanne Collins not me! **

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**Chapter 13**

The joke is not enough to take our minds off what lays ahead and we both know it, but for now, there is nothing either of us can do. Peeta suggests I catch a couple hours of sleep so I won't look tired on camera tomorrow, but I fail miserably and I keep waking him up that night until I give up and just stay cuddled in his arms.

What went on in my kitchen was the preview of what was waiting for us in Capitol and just like before, when we were about to take on the Quell I had set my mind to one goal alone, protect Peeta no matter what; the problem was I didn't knew what I had to protect him from and nothing could assure me that I wasn't the one hurting him. If it came to it, would I be able to leave him for his own good? Or could I hang to the excuse that we weren't exactly mentally stable and whole to keep him by my side?

The bite mark on Peeta's hand was reminder of how I had killed a president and how he had come to save me from myself in a sea of soldiers and guards, because as Haymitch had pointed out, I couldn't be trusted with making a plan, and I hadn't had one; in that very moment all I could feel and think was how badly I wanted revenge on Prim's death.

Snow knew I would figure it out, how Coin had taken part on Prim's death and by doing so, he too would had his revenge, Coin wasn't going to take his place, ever. I had felt sick the moment the arrow left the string of my bow, knowing my revenge and his were the same made me feel ill, but it was done, the proof, the bite mark that I'm tracing on the back of Peeta's hand.

"You should get some sleep Katniss"

I turn around to look at him, never leaving the safe sanctuary of his arms.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you again"

"You want to tell me what's keeping you up tonight?"

I'm grateful for the darkness covering up my features and the mixture of apprehension and fear I feel. There are many things I'm pondering in my head, but it all can be sum up in one single question

"You think we will be ok in Capitol?"

He stays silent for a moment before trying to break the tension with another joke

"Well, if you think it over carefully, we don't need to wear clothes on fire, so we should be pretty much ok."

I appreciate his efforts to make me feel better, but the fear gripping my heart tightens my chest and again all I want to do is try to hide behind his skin; he holds me gently.

"Look, we'll go, be at the ceremony, we'll see Johanna, Annie and Beete and, you'll get your chance to straighten up things with Gale. I'll go with Dr. Aurelius for a checkup and we will be back here before you know it and we'll be back to our routine"

Peeta insisted constantly on reconstructing our lives; his way was asking questions and painting memories; mine was making the book; I had bared my soul to him, sharing my most loved memories of Prim and my father and I had felt good about it, I knew I could trust them to Peeta but one thing was doing all that here, in the privacy of his home or in the quite of the meadow, and a very different one going to Capitol to reconstruct a part of my life I wasn't so sure I wanted back. I had enough trying to figure out my feeling for him and not break at Prim's memory to add Gale to the equation. Gale had been clear when we spoke last and had cut his ties with our past and me and never looked back and Peeta knew it, so why did he have to bring Gale up?

I decide to ignore the Gale part, being mad at Peeta never did me any good in the past, but I was curious about seeing Johanna; we had grown close during training back in District 13, but after all we went through I had lost contact with her, Peeta on the other hand kept a close correspondence with her. Had she been an important part in his recovery? I had been waiting for the right time to ask him directly about his time in district 13 after I gave up on him, but maybe Johanna could throw some light on the matter before I had to face Peeta about it.

"I can only imagine how sweet Johanna's welcome will be" I try to sound less worried and I think I manage to convince him I feel better, he chuckles at my response and jokes a little more about possible things Johanna would say once we meet her.

Peeta gets up with the first light and I linger a bit longer in bed, I don't want to face the cameras but there's nothing I can do to escape them and knowing that isn't helping me to get up at all; maybe I could fake an break down and spent my day in bed, but after some thought I know it won't work, they will stay around until they get what they want and the sooner they get it, the sooner they'll be gone. I hurry down the stairs in silence wanting to have a few more minutes of peace with Peeta when I'm received with the unpleasant surprise of Plutarch sitting in the kitchen table; the way his eyebrows rise tells me Haymitch didn't mention our current sleeping arrangement and he had been caught off guard by my early appearance in Peeta's house, but he asks no questions, just welcomes me in and bids me good morning, while he retraces back his steps and explains again from the beginning the plan for the filming today.

The camera crew following Peeta would take care of interviewing people about the reconstruction of district 12 and how life was better now than under the iron hand of the old Capitol while the camera crew following me would focus solely on showing the life of the mockingjay after the war, meaning they would be my shadow.

If walking around town on my own made me feel sometimes like an outsider, having them following me around wasn't helping me feel at ease but people seemed curious about what was going on and everyone seemed more than happy to put up a pleasant smile in front of the camera which meant I was the only one honestly uncomfortable by the whole thing; by the time I decide to go to the woods I only have time to check on a couple snares and pick two rabbits, since I'm meeting Peeta for lunch at Greasy Sae's place and I don't feel like showing my bow in action for the cameras.

Two days go by in the same fashion and the strain of not being able to go around with Peeta freely and seeing him in front of the cameras with Delly start to show, so by the third day I decide to ask Peeta to go along with me for a walk around the meadow and work a while on the book. Seeing this as an opportunity Plutarch encourages Peeta to it and he gives in, leaving the bakery in charge of Delly and the others; the book seems to be a touching detail and having Haymitch joining us that night to go over some details makes it the perfect closing for the film according to Plutarch.

"Of course we still need those one on one interviews, but once you are in Capitol, we'll take care of that!"

The prospect of Capitol still makes my stomach clench, but at least I had survived my first encounter with Plutarch and as excruciating as it could be facing the lights and the camera crews and the indiscreet questions again I knew I could survive it.

The week we had left came and went with about a hundred phone calls from our dear one and only Effie Trinket who was in charge of us the second the train stopped in Capitol, if it had been for her she would have come to pick us up personally, but as she said over and over again, things were so so so different she had a million things to take care of before our arrival and time was of essence, so she trusted Haymitch could manage taking us to Capitol without much problem.

Peeta took care of all things related to the bakery while I took off the snare circuit since no one would come around picking the animals and they would just go to waste I also need to make sure Sae has enough money to buy meat and take care of Haymitch goose farm, since Haymitch is coaching us on a few matters he thinks might be important, considering his conversations with Plutarch over the past days.

The air around is getting heavier and heavier and it feels much like being prepared for the games, but there won't be an arena waiting, no Cinna or Portia waiting with a new creation in flames, only old friends with as many scars as us, possibly dreading the moment just as much as us. We had been left a side after the revolution was over, but it didn't meant it was over, we were ornaments necessary to crown this new era of peace, until a new time of havoc and revolution came to sweep over what we had achieved with so much sacrifice, blood and death.

Peeta assures me constantly over the last days that we will be back before we even have a chance to miss District 12, but his words fall short for himself the night before we go. I wake up startled after a nightmare but he isn't there next to me in bed, there is light on the hallway and I get up looking for him, down the stairs, I can hear the noise in the studio, he is painting, there are color stains around his bare feet and his hair is sticking up in a messy way.

"You want to tell me what is keeping you up?"

He jumps turning from the canvas towards me

"You scared me; I thought you would be out till morning"

"What gave you that idea?"

"You were snoring; you only snore the nights you sleep all the way till morning"

There it was again, a glimpse of the old Peeta that looked after me rather than after him. I walk closer, the painting he is making seems too simple at first and then I feel the chill running down my spine, it's the view of a cell from the inside, little light, a cold floor and a horrifying feeling of despair; I have a hard time swallowing with the knot I feel in my throat and the prick of tears about to burst, he offers me a sad smile and his open arms and I run in to them. I had been right; his studio was a graveyard, just like my house felt charged with ghosts. We both had horrors hunting us and it was stupid to pretend otherwise.

"Is just easier if I paint it out" his breath feels warm against my neck, reminding me of a night in the train watching old recordings of the games, back then, we didn't had a choice, but now we had it; we could stay here and be safe, away from Capitol; Plutarch, Johanna, Effie, all of them could deal with the disappointment, but nothing could make Peeta give up on going to Capitol, not even me.

His attacks had been reduced to holding the back of a chair or moments of absence when his body was so rigid I felt my own muscles hurt but the attacks were still there, waking him in the middle of the night, making a bad memory even worse, unlike my nightmares he had a chance to put an end to the flashes and I knew he would take it, because I would have done it too in his place.

We go back to bed but it's impossible to sleep at all, so we just lay there in each other's arms waiting for the morning light to tell us is time to go. I let my thoughts wonder back and forth to the times I had been in district 13 before they could rescue Peeta, Annie and Johanna, how hard had I tried to imagine what was going on in Capitol, what Snow was doing to him and always failed to picture anything close to the painting covered now in his studio. I could feel the despair crawling up my skin. If it had been me, Snow would have succeeded; breaking me in to so many pieces there would be nothing of me left. Peeta had survived and come back, after much effort, but he was here, holding me again, taking care of me.

I had to trust him.

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**Plz plz plz I know I don't deserve it but plz pretty plz review! or if you have a suggestion or a critique, they are always welcomed! Thank you all for reading and being so patient with me! If i could I would send everyone candy... they have AWESOME gummy bears here! :P THANKS AGAIN guys for being SUPER AWESOME (even more than the gummybears!) hope u enjoy! **


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